I be knowing some shit about life

I have things to say. Things to do. Places to go. I’ve created a life in which I follow my heart and soul, live from within, answer to not much else but God and myself. Many times, I think to myself, I have no idea what I’m doing. But many more times, I feel it […]

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Projecting, Much?

Did you know life is actually VERY simple? Like almost infuriatingly simple? Like ridiculously simple? Like so simple you want to go back in time and slap yourself for not knowing how simple it actually is? God really is an artist for putting this whole show together FOR us to live, enjoy, master, and thrive, […]

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Fuck. This. Shit.

Either the message is going to come through, or I’m going to die. I’m serious. I’m here to share my message, and if it doesn’t want to come through, I’m not living. I don’t give a shit about anything else. If I don’t do what I came here to do, goodbye. I’m out. I don’t […]

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Believing Beyond Feeling

I woke up this morning feeling groggy. Out of it. Blah. Bleh. Meh. I couldn’t get a foothold on myself, my center. It felt like I had no energy, no vision. I couldn’t see beyond the funk. And I wanted beyond the funk. I wanted to feel the energy I know I am, the energy […]

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We Are The Crazies

Crazy has been demonized. It’s been not okay to be crazy. To be out of one’s mind. It’s been not safe. It’s been not normal. The really crazy thing is the idea of normal. I was taught growing up to be logical, to do what’s right, ultimately what would allow me to make sense to […]

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Truth of the Day

Pulled from my journal this morning. Man it was flow. So good. So full, delicious, so flow. I command the universe. The universe loves to meet me where I’m at. Life LOVES to meet me where I go. I am 100000000000% supported in my desires BECAUSE I CAME HERE TO LIVE THEM. That is WHY […]

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I Don’t Need to Take Care of the Middle, The Problem, the How

I have this tapestry. My best friend, Stef, gifted it to me for my birthday. It’s a picture of the beach, right by the edge of the shore, with a million dollar view of the sun setting? rising? near the horizon. I love it. She (Stef) gets me. Out of all the objects I have […]

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What Does Absolute Trust Look Like?

Pulled from my journal this morning. Everything is in caps because that’s exactly how I wrote it lol. Enjoy! I’M RELAXED AND RELAXING ALL THE TIME. I KNOW EVERYTHING IS WORKING OUT FOR ME. I KNOW MY DESIRES ARE WORTHY OF ME AND I AM WORTHY OF MY DESIRES I WALK IN CONFIDENCE KNOWING THAT […]

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The Micro-(r)evolution

I did a Facebook live earlier this morning about how all it takes to get from our HERE reality to our THERE desired reality, is… Faith. Damnit though. Why does it have to be so wispy, so intangible? Faith is for the spiritual, the woo-woo, the devout, the religious. No, you fool. Faith is for […]

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Blissed the Fuck Out

From the pages of my journal: riffing on the life I’m living and creating. I felt some kind of way sharing this. It feels super vulnerable, super too much, super just out there. But at the same time, why not? Why not bare it all? What is the difference between sharing the depths of my […]

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Time to play in my sandbox

I’ve spent a lot of life playing in other people’s sandboxes. Other ideologies. Other perspectives. Other’s desires. Other’s thoughts. Other’s values. Not that I took them on as my own. But I’ve spent a lot of life considering them, turning them over in my hands, my mind, my heart, deciding whether I would like to […]

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I Am Willing

I am willing to see. I am willing to see things differently. I am willing to align with my Highest Self. I am willing to evolve. I am willing to expand, to encompass new dimensions, to integrate new eternal truths. I am willing to go all in on me. I am willing to believe and […]

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I am about Me

When I was a wee freshmen in high school, I made it a routine to buy a bagel and cream cheese, take it to the gym locker room (I had first period PE), and eat breakfast with a friend. It had been clearly communicated that there was to be no eating in the locker room. […]

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The only version: Me

There is only one version of me. I am the only me that ever was, is, and will be. So, who or what can tell me who or what I am? Who defines what is good or right or best for me? I have lived long enough – I would almost say too long, but […]

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We know God as we are

I’d always been confused by the incongruences and inconsistencies of the Bible. I couldn’t understand why and how the Bible, the source of absolute truth, didn’t make sense in today’s world and time. If it was so timeless and impeccable, how come so much of it doesn’t make sense or fit into today’s narrative? Why […]

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That young girl & me

I went down memory lane. I’m not sure how I found it or why I felt compelled to go down it. But I did. This memory lane is lined with the titles of my blog posts, with the days, months, years of publication, scattered with the words of a young girl, a young woman, really, […]

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Gratitude and me

Gratitude. I feel gratitude. It feels like fullness. Like the vessel of me, my physical body, the container of my thoughts, the essence of my being is FULL, touching, pushing against the edges of who and what I am. It doesn’t matter what I’m grateful for. There’s a knowing that the logic, the thoughts, the […]

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Love, a horrible thing

Love is a scary thing. Don’t do it. The risk is too big. The fall too hard. Love is a horrible thing. It makes you do weird things. Crazy things. Stupid things. It makes you become someone new. You stop knowing who you are. Sometimes people don’t recognize you anymore. Love is a terrible thing. […]

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A heart full of fuck yous

I woke up yesterday to annoyance frustration blah-ness fuck yous. I could sort of identify where it was coming from. But I could feel it more. I could feel more of the suffocation, the fuckedness, more than I could think about it. The past decade has been spent going inward, leaning into my heart, the […]

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Leaving

I recently moved out. Like last week. I am 30 years old. And this is the first time leaving my parents’ home. Like really leaving home. Not staying weekdays at university. Not studying abroad. Leaving home. Driving last Friday night with my car packed, I felt emotions. Lots of them. I felt tears but I […]

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Some morning words

I’m not sure what it is I want to write, what wants to flow. I guess I’d like to start off with: I am in love with this life. Enamored. Captivated. Over the moon. This is the best thing that’s happened to me, and it keeps happening. Every day. Every breath. Every moment. The amount […]

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Onward ho

I told my dad about my relationship with Jolie. 3 months ago. A little over 3 months ago. On the way to the airport, right before I left for a work trip for 10 days. I didn’t plan to make it seem like I was running away after dropping the bomb on him. It just […]

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Effortless union

Life as beautiful as me, Love as beautiful as you. We make a good couple, duo, pair. Hand in hand, step by step, breath by breath. Looking into each other, into the abyss, the bliss of who we are, the perfection, completeness, the completion. Calling forth of the other, rising up within ourselves, meeting in […]

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These damn millennials

I got a bone to pick. A small one. A little teeny tiny one. But one that’s been digging into my side for a bit. Like a few years. This bone has to do with people’s perspectives on millenials. A few days ago, as I was waiting for my food to heat up in the […]

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Holy Pavement

I came home from work today ready to go to church. My body yearned to move, itself and the energy within. It didn’t matter what time it was, that I had work to do, that I had driven over an hour to get home, that I was tired, that I hadn’t eaten dinner, that – […]

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No more right

I carried out a vendetta against my mom for many years. In the later years, we didn’t brawl, like we used to. But I harbored some stuff against her, her motherhood. Stuff like, feeling like she didn’t give me what I needed as a child, feeling like she had abandoned me when I was going […]

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Being Me

There’s something special about being human. Something raw beautiful majestic magnificent significant. There’s something magical about being human. Feeling all the feelings, knowing all the knowings, choosing all the choosings. There’s something wonderful about being human. Tasting all the wonders, drinking all the sweetness, eating all the deliciousness. There’s something truthful about being human. Melting […]

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My Friendship with Trump

I’ve been sitting on this post for almost a week now. I think it’s time to set it free and be okay with it. ———————- I’m not super politically savvy and I don’t keep up with the news a lot. Just what I glimpse in the hotel gym rooms, newspapers in coffee shops, news via […]

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Just like my Creator

I’m tired of fitting into boxes. Tired of “making things work”. Tired of withdrawing because I’m afraid of losing my space, my time, my energy. Tired of “protecting” my space. Tired of feeling like I need to justify my space and what I want. Tired of “letting go”, learning not to attach myself. I’m tired […]

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Blooming remains

Five years ago, I was out in Barcelona studying abroad and sending photos of my experiences and adventures to my ex. I prefaced my photos with: Sorry, I’m horrible at taking pictures. He immediately responded: You are brilliant and everything you do is fucking fantastic. I blushed at that, so aware of my melting heart, […]

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My lie of “catching up”

I realized I’ve been sabotaging myself. I sleep late because I want to “catch up” with work. I don’t actually catch up. I find myself getting distracted with other to-do’s, scrolling through Instagram. I tell myself I deserve it, after a full day’s work. So then I set my alarm for very early the next […]

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I told my mom I’m dating a non-male

Me: Mom, I have something to tell you. Mom: What? Silence Me: It’s kind of hard to say. Mom: What? Silence Mom: Just say it. Me: I know… but… Silence Me: I’m dating someone Silence Me: Not a man Mom: ? Me: I’m dating that friend I brought over a couple months ago Silence Mom: […]

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Leaving the nest – Pt. 1

In my life, I consider the moments of moving in faith, “jumping the cliff”. Like quitting my job, letting go of a 4-year crush that I thought would be the relationship of my life (HAHA), things like that. I have no idea what’s at the bottom, if there is a bottom. I have no idea […]

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Bad driving is fine with me

I learned something a while back that’s improved the quality of my life significantly. It changed the way I see things, relate with people, and drive. Yeah, drive. Like driving a car. That one thing I learned: Not everyone knows how to drive. That’s it. And to go further: Not everyone will ever learn to […]

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Are you home?

Looking up at the sky today, I was mesmerized by the wispy clouds against the blue background. Super gorgeous day. I could see the clouds slowly unfurling and meandering, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Gazing at the vastness, enjoying the warmth of the sun, I had a sudden feeling that I was in a […]

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Letter to the Universe Regarding My Partner

Dear Universe, You are really funny sometimes. Funny like fickle. But also funny like heart-meltingly good that I want to cry but I’ll just laugh instead. A little over a year ago, I remember being asked about my dating life and I replied with genuine giddiness and zeal, I love my singlehood. I can see […]

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You belong here

My friend, you are the laughter of the universe. The smile of God. You are the giddiness of Mother Earth. Perfect and lovely as you are. My friend, the sun shines brightly, as brightly as it’s made to, to remind you of your warmth, your light, your brightness. The moon watches silently, inviting you to […]

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Still hungry

In this moment of Life, I feel gratitude. I feel joy. I feel fulfillment. I feel flow. And this same moment of Life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, in order for me to feel gratitude, joy, fulfillment, flow. I work full-time in public accounting, also known as a soul-sucking corporate machine. It […]

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Taking my sweet ass time

With my eyes open, sometimes I can’t see myself Sometimes all I see are others What they’re doing What they’re saying Who they’re being And I feel lost Even now 29, almost 30 years old. With my eyes open, sometimes I forsake my truth my wonder my soul. I wander down the aisles of another’s […]

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Underneath it all

I sat down to meditate in the dark this morning. Before I got settled in, I decided I wanted to sit with and hold my jade elephant, a 4 lb beauty that I had to purchase after I broke it’s tusk in the store. Though Mr. Elephant is not my initial choice, it’s grown on […]

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Lessons

Last night around 9-10pm, I went to my car to get my green juice bottle to get it ready for the next day, my today. I saw a pair of sweats lying in front of my neighbor’s door. I debated whether I should knock on the door and let them know. Lazy me said nah. […]

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The dead dances

[Taken from today’s journal spew] Wowza. Look at that. “19”. [after writing today’s date] Yeah. It really happened. Really really. Here we are… 2019. Really just a number. Really just a collection of months, weeks, days… And yet it gives us, me meaning. Something to look forward to. Something to enjoy. Or not. The cynical […]

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From the desk of your CEO and Captain,

I would like to thank you for being a courageous player in this Game of Life. I know you didn’t have to, or you could have been less involved or whatever. But you so daringly jump in, yielding relentlessly to faith, truth, freedom. Your desire to live and live fully is magnificent. You are a gorgeous […]

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My Relationship Project

My Relationship Project for my Spiritual Psychology program is my dad. Dear ol’ Dad. The two things I committed to doing this month are: placing him and our relationship in the light, essentially praying for him/us and greeting and sending him off each day with a deep hug. I’ve been forgetting to do the first […]

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Like a charm

Man, it feels good to have this blank entry in front of me. Also, it’s painful. Haha. I sit here wanting to write and the judgments introduce themselves. Really elementary judgments. Like feeling bad that I only write when I feel like it, and where’s the craftsmanship in that? The dedication, the devotion to my […]

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My sincere ass prayer

Spirit, I welcome you. I invite you. Let’s talk. Let’s talk about my worthiness. I’d like to pick a bone with you. And I probably will get crap for talking crap on my life. But that’s okay. Because I feel what I feel. I know what I know. And all that is MF valid. I […]

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Sounds good

The voice. Let the voice speak. My jaws have been feeling tight, as of late. Whether it’s because of the transition back to working full-time and I’m more tired than usual. Or because I haven’t been writing. I don’t know. But I catch the tension that keeps sneaking back in. And I know, something wants […]

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Rising

The past month has been a quiet one for me. Somewhat of a sobering one. In the past, I might have said I lost my voice for a month. In the past, I might have apologized for my silence, to myself, to anyone that reads my stuff. In the past, I might have cringed and […]

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Follow the feelings – 75/100

Speechless. Wordless. Thoughtless. Never feeling-less. Emotions rule the land of humanity, the safari of connection. There, no man is exempt. No person is free from the gift of sensing, feeling. Though some attempt to flee it like a curse. Some feel that not feeling is easier. Some think that thinking is more sensible. Some prefer […]

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Rules – 74/100

I was raised by rules. They were really all I knew. So much so that I didn’t know what I liked, what was important to me, and really, who I was. If I wanted to be X, then I needed to do Y. If I wanted to do A, then I first needed to do […]

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Tickle and delight – 73/100

It’s been five days since I’ve written anything. Four days since a journal entry I’m not sure what happened. I had been doing well with the challenge, with writing more consistently. And yet, here I am. Even typing on my laptop feels strange, a little foreign. It’s fun, though, like a new activity, almost haha. […]

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Profanity – 72/100

I used to believe that it was the words that came out of my mouth that made me right or wrong or good or bad. It’s why I refrained from using curse words for most of my life. I cared about right and wrong and good and bad. And then, I would “slip” back during […]

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Remembering me – 71/100

I read through an old journal post. It was more of a random stream of consciousness inspired by a weekend at my Spiritual Psychology program. I feel a little shy sharing this because it sounds narcissistic. It sounds conceited, self-absorbed, even self-righteous. There’s a voice that says, “Don’t expose your inner thoughts, they might offend […]

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My friend Ashmi – 70/100

I’m in San Francisco visiting a kindred spirit, a friend that I’ve never met before in person. Her name is Ashmi. We met online through our blogs – I had commented on one of her posts that really resonated with me and she responded a couple weeks later after reading through my blog. Once she […]

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It is all good – 69/100

A part of me doesn’t want to write. A big part. I didn’t want to write yesterday. And I still don’t feel like writing today. Sometimes the words don’t seem to flow. Like they’re stuck somewhere within. They are surely there. I don’t think they’re waiting or anything, needing my permission to come through. But […]

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Birthday girl – 68/100

As my birthday nears, I’m feeling more and more sober about festivities and celebrations. I initially wanted to have an open event, perhaps a bonfire, invite everyone and their moms to come out, enjoy the beach, the company, the gathering. That’s usually what I gravitate toward. There’s something about being around people I appreciate, people […]

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What a MF ride – 67/100

I have been given so much. So so so so so so much. I have been loved much. I have been healed much. I have been set free… much. Hahaha does that even flow? Anyway. I am grateful. It’s the air I breathe, this gratitude. I get to live in this space. I get to […]

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Then Now and now Now – 66/100

Over the past several years, I’ve gone inside for answers. It was a lot of sifting through thoughts, contemplating, wondering, processing. All of which led to knowing and experiencing peace, freedom, and a deeper sense of Love. I felt there was a lot to understand, a lot to actively pursue. There still is, no doubt. […]

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Origins – 65/100

One of the hardest parts of this chapter of my life is not feeling free to express and share as I am on social media. Specifically, regarding my parents. I do share openly on my blog and that’s shared on Facebook automatically but I’m about 100% sure that my parents don’t read it. They won’t […]

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Welcome to the Mad Tea Party – 64/100

I saw this on my way home from work. Took me a second to read and comprehend it. When I did, it tickled me. Life really is exactly that sometimes – a mad tea party. Everyone is doing their best the best they know how. Everyone is wanting the best for themselves, in a non-narcissistic […]

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Remembering and releasing pain – 63/100

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my person (that’s for another post, another day) and we were talking through an incident that happened that day (yesterday). There was some miscommunication which we were hashing out. Nothing big, nothing new. Throughout the conversation, I felt a little shitty – about myself. Near the end of the […]

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Reframing disappointment – 62/100

It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve been operating life from a fear of disappointment. That wasn’t very surprising, to be honest. It helped me understand why I didn’t go for things, why I held my breath for the other shoe to drop, why I detached myself from desires, wants, hopes. To be honest, it […]

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Simple truths – 61/100

Life is limitless. I am limitless. You are limitless. There is time for everything. What I want, wants me. What you want, wants you. There is enough for me. There is enough for you. There is enough for all of us. Life happening for me. For you. For us. In simple truths, in Truth, it […]

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Alchemical connection – 60/100

There is nothing quite as beautiful as beholding someone who chooses to show up. Not physically. I’m talking with all they got, all they are, all they want. With all the inner workings, desires, hopes, insecurities, fears, doubts. It’s the showing up that indicates Life. A desire to Live. A desire to be free, to […]

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Being humbled – 59/100

  Being humbled is one of the best and worst feelings in the world. It’s the worst because something feels like it’s dying. The best because it gives way, gives birth to something new, usually something that serves better, fits better with a happier, freer life. The worst because it feels like I’m letting go […]

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Answered questions – 58/100

So, the guy I had written about a couple weeks ago reached out today. There was some disbelief. A little huh? Why? A little huh – let’s see what’s up. We decided to talk after I left work, there were unanswered questions – for me. I wasn’t interested in much else but getting some answers […]

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Body image Pt. 2 – 57/100

Back in 2008, I had an experience that changed my life, changed my world, the way I see it, the way I stand in it. But that experience alone was not enough to change my relationship with my body. That experience alone was not enough to heal me and allow me to enjoy and love […]

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Whisper – 56/100

I thought I knew what I wanted and to ask for it. I thought I was pretty in tune with my preferences. I thought I used my voice pretty well, pretty often. Until, I wasn’t and didn’t. Until, I was asked what I wanted, really asked – and I noticed, underneath my usual go-with-the-flow, I’m-good […]

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Body image Pt. 1 – 55/100

I grew up an athlete. Swim, track, tennis, figure skating, more track, cross country, springboard diving, … Though I knew I was strong and physically in shape, I didn’t agree with the mirror. I lived in my own hell and prison, believing I was not thin enough, lean enough, toned enough. I grew up sucking […]

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For me – 54/100

Life is happening for me. Hasn’t always felt that way. But even then, it was. Generously, freely, delightfully. Life is happening for me in ways I didn’t anticipate or even desire. In ways that flow to the depths of my soul, reach the edges of my heart. I am humbled and ecstatic. Expectant and content. […]

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Water off a duck’s back – 53/100

It really is that simple. To walk away when the words out of someone’s mouth don’t serve me. To release myself from the grip of another, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, who doesn’t see me the way I choose to show up in the world. To laugh off the judgment, like water off a duck’s back. […]

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To my friend – 52/100

I hear your pain. I see your pain. I almost feel your pain. I don’t know the answers. I don’t need to know. I’m here for you, friend. I’m here at your sidelines. I’ll walk alongside you. I’ll run next to you if you need. I believe in greater things for you, as you believe […]

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Eyes, soul, heart – 51/100

Her eyes, so piercing and inviting, soul, so wild and free heart, so open and willing. The depth both scares and draws, like a moth to flame dancing to possible death There’s nothing to do but leap, jump that cliff, challenge gravity, defy the emptiness of failed connections. Thoughts, feelings, decisions feel seemingly recklessness until […]

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Flow, a gift and birthright – 50/100

When something flows, it flows. It flows freely, joyfully, delightfully. There’s certain way one gets lost in flow. And there’s no desire to be found. No need. The flow becomes everything. And everything becomes flow. It’s a beautiful thing. A wonderful thing. A thing we are all meant for. It’s lovely that it looks different […]

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I don’t want to know everything – 49/100

If I were to see where I am, who I am today, three weeks ago, three months ago, three years ago, nine years ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. I wouldn’t have known what to do with myself, known how to arrive in the future, into myself. It’s quite unbelievable, in my opinion, the level […]

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Anticipation creeping – 48/100

I’ve talked about where I stand in regards to my parents’ opinions about me, especially in the space and chapter of life that I’m in. I’m still there. Still, there’s a part of me that feels tension, hairs on edge, breath held… Mainly because I feel like they may find out earlier than later. Or […]

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Past flame – 47/100

I dated someone I met in New York last October up until mid-March. We had cool vibes and a sweet connection going on. But it didn’t work. We could say it’s the distance. Or the time difference. Or whatever. But it didn’t work. Looking back now, it was very clear that we weren’t going to […]

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Sex and intercourse – 46/100

I’ve been had. All my life, I thought sex was intercourse. And it is, this is true. But I thought that’s all it was. And over the past years, it’s becoming more and more clear. Sex doesn’t begin in the bed. Sex begins at the dinner table. It begins in the supermarket. In the parking […]

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As much as I want – 45/100

I’m finding that there is no limit to anything. I’m finding that I can have what I want. All that I want. Everything I want. Life is generous. I get to choose how generous it is to me. I not only get to knock on the door. I get to open the door. I get […]

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My own road – 44/100

One of the first things that came to mind when I faced the question about my romantic and sexual capacity was my parents. More specifically, what they would think about me, their flesh and blood choosing and declaring herself a taboo of their society and culture. One of the first things to go when I […]

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Sacred calling – 43/100

Yesterday evening found me sprawled out on my bed feeling not-normal. Feeling bleh, meh, and eh. It wasn’t horrible. Which is intolerable to me at this point. In the past, it was all I knew, this feeling of emptiness, quiet anxiety, lack. Now, I acknowledge and allow, but it is not where I choose to […]

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Post confession: It was already there all along – 42/100

There has been amazing support and love in response to the previous post. I am humbled and deeply grateful. It adds to and amplifies the effortlessness of this space and chapter for me. Thank you. A couple people reached out privately in response to the post. In the conversations, they shared that in our first […]

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Kissing – 41/100

I shared a couple weeks ago that I’m exploring something very close to me, something I never thought was something to even wonder about or question: my sexuality. Since then, it’s been a very interesting ride of putting language to my feelings and experiences. Sometimes, I’m at a loss of words and I need to […]

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Fun or bust – 40/100

I have decided that I don’t want to do anything that’s not fun.   I would normally counter this and say, Yes, I understand all the implications of that declaration, mainly I’m not responsible nor realistic. And I realize, that’s okay. That’s extremely okay. More than okay. Because first – I find a LOT of […]

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Too different, a little wild, then and now – 39/100

A guy once said he wouldn’t date me because I was too different, a little wild. At the time, I was offended because I really really liked him – a lot. Like a lot lot. I could not understand what he saw, why he didn’t see what I saw, or wanted to see. That we’d […]

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Vulnerability – 38/100

Vulnerability. So daring and tender. Every moment of opening feels a little like leaping off a cliff, yet it’s become so familiar, it’s home. There is comfort and even safety in the unknown, in allowing to come through what already is within, in allowing another to see, to know, and to love the heart and […]

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I like what I dislike – 37/100

I used to not like the things I didn’t like in my life. I thought they ruined the picture, whether it was cooked carrots or exes that left a bad taste or a job that sucks my soul dry and leaves it out to rot. Anything that made me annoyed, unhappy, cringe. But when I […]

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