Here I am.

I’m in deep.  I don’t understand anything.  I don’t get it.  Please don’t try to make sense of anything.  All I know is… Jesus.  Yeah, again.  Everyday it’s the same thing.  The same goodness, peace, the same love, joy.  It should be illegal to live in this kind of freedom.

I’m at this point where nothing makes sense.  Everything seems like it’s falling apart.  Why do I like what I like still?  Why do I act the way I do?  Why am I where I am?  Wouldn’t everything be different since I walk with, know, love Jesus?  Yet, tis not the case.

I’m realizing he is so much bigger than everything I thought he was.  All my assumptions, preconceptions, reservations – smashed, obliterated, annihilated gently, softly, thoroughly.  I’m realizing he doesn’t make sense.  Life doesn’t make sense.  Ha.  Dramatic much?  It just is.

It is what it is.  There’s no category to stick it under, no need to figure things out.  No benefit in neatly compartmentalizing my “knowledge”.

I just live.  I thrive in his presence.  I grow, jump, dance a jig, holler, belt out a song, skip to my lou… I am.

I’m in deep.  I can’t say I’m drowning.  More appropriately, I’ve drowned.  Immersed, consumed, broken by his grace.  There is no more struggle, I feel like.  Ahhh I can’t explain.  And I have to say, it’s beautiful.  I don’t know what it looks like from the outside, how crazy, illogical, weird I appear.  But from my seat, all I see beautiful, amajing, perfect, da beeest.

Sigh, do I sound crazy.  I sound crazy.  I sound crazy to myself.

Someone needs to invent a machine that can measure the movements of the heart, its inclinations, desires, tumblings, spasms.  I will pay you in smiles, hugs, rainbows, a day at the beach and a unicorn.

4 thoughts on “Here I am.”

  1. I feel you Grace! let’s just enjoy this rollercoaster for its every turn (both expected and the unexpected)! 🙂 ILY! ❤

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