I have nothing to say. Hahaha doesn’t that always crack you up? When we say you are in heaven and here we are on earth, let our words be few. And then we keep talking hahahah. I don’t know. I would be like, uhh shut up now, earthling. But you don’t.
Jesus, when I think about you – which, by the way, isn’t every second or moment – I am happy. I lied. Sorry. When I think about you, I realize I’m happy. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like an ice queen. Maybe not the queen part but definitely the ice part. I catch myself with a hard look on my face, nothing really going on in my head, untouchable. And then you cross my mind. A glimpse of you flits through my heart. And I melt. I am conquered only by you. Sounds kinda bad, huh? Like I’m being coerced or defeated or I don’t know. But it’s such a delight to be completely consumed by you. To surrender absolutely. To be found at your feet, immersed in your presence. To know nothing, fear nothing, taste nothing, see nothing, breathe nothing – but you.
Just you. Only you, Jesus.
What I’m about to say doesn’t really sound comprehensible but bear with me. Sometimes I think I know how to know you. And I always reach a place where I realize, I don’t. I don’t even know how to know you. I don’t get anything, most of the time. All I have is – just you. So simple. All I know is you. Not anything about you. Not anything around you, not how you work, not how you love, not your grace, not your thoughts. Just you. Your presence in my life is more real to me than the air in my lungs. More real to me than the blood in my veins. More real to me than the beat of my heart.
You know this. You’ve heard me say this to you so many times.
Jesus, I love you. I don’t know what love is to begin with, but I know this. I know when I long for your touch, when I’m rendered completely useless and broken at your feet, when I want nothing more than all of you, I know love. It’s just you.
Jesus, you are so beautiful to me. You take my breath away. You sweep me off my feet. You… are just… you.
Remember that one episode in Grey’s Anatomy, that super pivotal moment when Derek has to make a decision between Meredith and his wife? And Meredith says, pick me, love me. That’s what I feel like sometimes. Pick me, love me. As if I don’t have enough from you haha. But that’s the truth. I won’t be afraid to ask for more. I’m not. I only love you as I am loved by you. And I know, I’ve known so deep in my heart that you always want to give. And if that is the case, I always want to receive. You can have everything else. My family, security, friends, insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams, burdens, education, work, church, high school ministry, reputation, image, thoughts, all. You have it. Take it. Please. Nothing is of worth to me anymore. Not humility, holiness, peace, guidance, walking down the narrow path, serving, power, anointing or my desire for these things. Nothing. You can have it. You can do what you want. It really doesn’t matter to me. I’ve sold everything I have, so I can have you. This heart is reserved for you. Just you.
“… for I am called by your name, o Lord, God of hosts.”