Can’t go to sleep without writing this.

9:48pm I get a text from this homeless person I met last week

10:00 I text back a hello, how are you?

10:05 he texts me back a I’m good, where are you?

I don’t reply til I come in from talking with friend outside at 10:57.

The conversation continues… basically he’s hungry.  He hasn’t eaten all day today and half the day yesterday and no one seems to want to help him out at the moment.

Man.  I really do not want to continue this conversation.  I have homework.  I want to swim tomorrow morning before class.  I want to sleep.  I want to save money.  Yeah those are the thoughts going through my head.

I type out I see.  What do you want to eat? but don’t press send.

I go back and forth back and forth trying to figure out where my heart is.  It’s not too difficult.  I don’t want to leave my room.  But there’s someone out there that didn’t eat for a day and a half.  Man.  I consider ignoring the whole conversation feigning narcolepsy.

Finally, 11:39 I text I’m coming right now, I’ll lyk when I’m near.

Really do not know what I’m doing at this point.  Just want to stay home and at least pretend like I’m doing homework and eventually knock out.  But yeah.  Keys, wallet, phone, out the door.  Actually, I have to go back in to get the phone number of the Pizza Hut I ordered from.  Welcome to the smartphone/iphone-less life.  And then out the door.

I pick up some pizza and head over.  While driving I feel nothing.  No compassion, no anger, no frustration, no why me?, no I’m tired, no benevolence.  Just driving.  Like an everyday thing.  Except I am a little tempted to take a slice because my dinner was a pb&j and that was several hours ago.  Something stops me.  Courtesy?  Mercy?  Who knows.

A bit of worry crosses my mind… It’s a little late and I’m a girl and… makes me laugh.  When did that ever stop me from anything.

I pull in, call and hand over the pizza to the friend, who brought along another friend.  We small talk a bit.  I ask if we can pray because why not? and of course no one objects.  We hold hands and I pray.  We say amen.

Then the friend’s friend hints for the third time that yeah, I guess we’ll just get water then.  It’s been pretty hot lately implying she would like some soda from the Jack in the Box nearby.  I’m not exactly rolling my eyes but I’m doing a slighter version of it.  From my point of view, I would appreciate the integrity of simply asking for something.  I’m sure it’s different on that side but I’m not there so this is what I know and feel.  I cue in on her comment and totally ignore it.  Nope, I don’t empathize and water is better than soda anyway.  I say my farewell and return to my car.

I sit for a second, a little peeved for some reason.  I see them walking away.  And something in my heart… I want to give them what they want.  It’s just a soda but they really want it.  They enjoy it in a way I don’t.  And that’s fine.

I dig into my wallet and pull out my Sunday offering; all my other bills are too big or too small for a couple sodas.  Dad, this one’s on you.  I chase them down at 8 mi/hr and through the passenger seat yell, Hey!  Hey!  This is for the sodas.  Enjoy.  The friend’s friend’s face brightens up into a smile that’s more permanent than the fleeting ones she displayed earlier.  They thank me and I peace out.

On my way home I blast my music, immerse myself.  Again, mind is blank.  I get home, change, plop on my bed and begin with Can’t go to sleep without writing this… (only after checking my email and Facebook a couple times.)

Why did I write this?  Why did I have to?  I… don’t know.  I don’t know what happened tonight.  I don’t know if it changed me or if it changed them or if it… anything.  I don’t know if it matters, if anything matters.  I have nothing to show for this, no lesson, no moral.  Heck, if anything, I showed the opposite of what a “Christian” should feel and alla that nonsense.

But here I am.  Just a human being sharing with another human being or two.  I’m nothing, a nobody.  I’m not exceptional in any way, not different, not heartless either.  I don’t know.  This has been a pretty uninteresting event, almost seems mundane.  I guess this is life.  Nothing crazy has to happen, nothing life-changing or amazing.  Because this is it.  And really, it’s pretty cool.  Who knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow?  Or rather, today (it is now 1:16am).

I’m going to bed.  I didn’t finish my homework, but I’ll figure it out.

It’s been a long long day.  Goodnight.

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Walking my journey, evolving endlessly into the Me I came to Be.

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