Blood

I was so irritated it was beyond disappointment.  It had reached a point where all that’s left to do is sit back, open a bag of chips which I don’t even like and enjoy the show.

So irritated.  So annoyed.  And even when I blow up I have no apology to utter.  I feel so damn justified.  Ha.

So I don’t.

This has been the story of my life for the past couple weeks with my brother.  People always assume that because I’m 9 years older that I’m mature enough to overlook his ignorance, disrespect and annoying aura.  As I have clearly indicated, I am not.

I don’t fight it anymore.  I let it come.  What else is there to do?

But I think I’ve learned something new.

Before, I attributed my irritability wholly to me, my inability, my sinful nature.  Ha.

Now, that idea seems so elementary.

I think my bitterness, frustration, annoyability stems from something deeper than can’t be explained or figured out or resolved systematically.  I realize there is a huge disconnect between my brother’s, my mom’s and my relationships.  Without going into too much detail: my mom is very soft with my brother which puts me (who is naturally not soft) in a position to take over the role of disciplinarian.  Except I’m not made to do it and he’s not made to respect me or my demands in that way.  And then my mom.  A wholeeee ‘nother story yo.

But anyway.  So there’s this huge disconnect.  I’m frustrated at him for the way he treats my mom (mostly) and me, among other things.  He’s frustrated at me (probably a lot more than me because I always have/get to win the arguments) because there’s no reason for me to be this frustrated with him (I’m not his mom).  There’s a whole lotta frustration going on.  Even being in the same room as him… puts me on edge.  A light side comment leaves me prone to rolling my eyes to the back of my head.  I have no control over this.  I really don’t.  And for those who say I do, I can keep my eyes straight in my head the way they were created all I want but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve slaughtered my literal brother in my heart.

I realized more than inability, this is an issue of the heart.  I am unable to love, embrace, trust and all that holy good stuff because there’s something off within.  Get what I’m saying?  There’s some reconciliation to be done.  There’s some healing awaiting us, brother.  Because I don’t want to live the rest of my life spending my energy, words, thoughts, lung capacity on this brokenness.

I want you to be free.  I want you to just be you.  And me be me.  I want to love you.  And I’m so sorry I make you want to sock me in the face probably every day.  I can’t help it right now.  You’ve shown me more grace than I’ve ever shown you.  I… thank you.

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