I’m in between scholarship-hunting. Thought I’d clear up my mind a bit with some free-writing before continuing with the madness.
– I am having a hard time with these scholarships. I’m not looking at crazy $10g essay contests, just some that range from $300-$1000. It’s just. They keep asking me to sell myself, why I deserve their money, why my education will be more profitable than the next guy’s. And I’m stubborn. Or ignorant in the ways of writing about myself in a way that will lure them to pour money into my education. Why do I deserve it? Because I want to study, I want to learn. I want to grow as a student and human being. How do I think my education will benefit society? I don’t know, who the hells know anyway? All I know is that my desire (and any other student’s desire) to learn is legit and I will pursue it to the inevitable place where I will be in the position to pour into and serve others. I don’t know what else to say. How come I have to try to be so special when everyone/the world already says I am/we are. Hahahah. Man I’m a BRATTTTT. In my bratty state of mind, I want to make a ton of money and make a scholarship for mediocre students that just want to study. Or just have a lottery. Haha. The world would not progress with people like me in charge… Which makes sense that it does progress today haha.
– Confession: I have a song stuck in my head. It’s been in my head since last night. I’m almost too embarrassed to say it but not ashamed enough to keep it to myself. It’s Justin Bieber. HAHAHAHA. What is going on, world. It’s the Body rock or rock body song? Haha. Anyway. Just wanted you to know, if you are experiencing madness today, that you are indeed not alone.
– Before I left for work yesterday, I chastised my mom about the way she handled the situation with my brother at the moment. I wanted her to claim her authority as Mom and handle the damn thing. As I drove away, my annoyance and disdain melted away and I was left to face my inability. I’d struggled (not too hard though, btw haha) with my view and heart condition toward familial authority. I grew up getting my way. And today, I have a huge lack of respect and honor for my parents. Things with my dad have exponentially improved. Things with my momma, not so much.
My argument is that she never fully took ownership of the motherly authority that intervenes between siblings, makes decisions and implements the less fuzzy wuzzy side of motherhood and thus, how can I be expected to submit to her. Her argument is that I am a Christian haha. I laugh because for me, I only became more aware of my un-Christian-like behavior, thoughts, desires, etc., and it’s not my Christianity that lifted me out of my depraved state. That position is reserved only for the highest of grace. Anyway.
I arrived at work and all I could think about was how much I want to submit, how much I want to take shelter under the inherent authority of my mom, trust her decisions and rest in my own daughterhood. Maybe I sound like I’m glorifying my own authority and power in the house but this is what I feel. Don’t judge. Haha. As I walk through the halls, approximately seven seconds before I reach the portal to another environment I want to shield from the raw unfiltered me, a profound thought sprouts from within. A profound thought. A hugely epiphanical (I just made that word up to serve my writing endeavor) thought. And that thought went along the lines of: Then submit to her.
Mind. Blown. Hahahahah. This was not a command from an authority, someone who has a whip and the power to use it. This was a quiet quiet quiet voice from within. It was more than a teaching or suggestion or advice. It was a state of freedom and goodness and truth coupled with the strength and power to see it into fruition. If that is the case…. HOLLA. Submission here I comeeeeeee. Mom, get ready to be blown away hahahha. Man. I’m excited.
Think I’ve overwritten for the day hahah. And I’ve still got a couple more scholarships to look at. Yay. Please just give me money. Hahah that should be my essay. Sigh.