Where am I? What am I doing? How come I never understand, never get it? Dadddddddd. What are you doing? How come I’m like this? Who am I? I thought I knew me. I thought all that is in me is now out here in the open and there’s nothing more to learn about myself. I’m lost…
Driving to the market after work, I felt the incredible weight of my fears and confusion settle in my mind. As usual, beneath it all I couldn’t deny the peace – man, that peace! – that held me. But I also couldn’t deny how I felt, how I wanted so much to get it. Get what? I don’t know haha. All I knew was I was so confused about me, why I am the way I am. That is really vague haha but even now, I can’t fully put into words why I felt/feel.
I guess I saw myself, my heart as a rock in the sense that it’s bare, solid; there’s nothing more to discover and understand. I thought, this is it, this is who I am, what I like, what I do, how I do things. Because i felt like I knew myself and who I was in the eyes of God, without realizing it, I held that rock in my hands, believing it to be something that I had control over, something that no longer amazed me.
Imagine my surprise stumbling upon this point in time and observing that the rock in my hands is indeed not a rock but an onion, or an artichoke. Hahaha. That is literally how I feel. You think you know… and then you realize (again) that you don’t know and somehow that state of not knowing becomes a regular part of your life… so much so that the not knowing is now the known and you think you have a grip on things until suddenly a layer is peeled and you realize… you are not a rock, but an onion and now you are confused because this whole time you thought you had it figured out since you had experienced the not knowing and the lostness once. Hahah.
Back in my car, I’m on autopilot mode, my mind swirling in a whirlwind of thoughts and questions and I don’t get it‘s and somehow I return to full consciousness. Music is playing from my ipod and for the first time on this drive, I become aware of what I’m hearing.
A breath escapes me, in sort of a mild disbelief. I shake my head, my lips twitch, showing the beginning stages of a smile. I almost try to hold back because I realize how small I was, how helpless I was and I didn’t want to admit it. But I couldn’t deny the goodness, the presence, the love. That smile turns into a wide grin and gives way to a chuckle and escalates into full laughter. I laugh because of freedom from myself, freedom from the deepest confusion and lost-ness. I laugh because of love that secures me beyond my sense of feeling secure. I laugh because I’m okay. Really. Really, I’m okay. Haha.
When my foot slipped, your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. – Psalm 94:18
And that song that flipped me upside down, inside out: You Know Me by Stephany Frizzell.