These past couple weeks have been interesting. I started the fast expecting nothing and everything. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen and as usual, I was okay with not knowing. Actually, I thrive in the not knowing, in the lostness. It refreshes me to lean back into what seems to be nothing and let the grace and love and peace wash over me. This is who he is to me. This is who I am to him. Anyway.
I am a Spanish major at CalState Fullerton. I always wondered if I would or could ever be the kind of person who was sure of herself. The kind of person that lived with one heart, one mind, one self. The kind who simply lives instead of trying to live. To be led and propelled by whatever overflowed from within and not by externalities. To be me. And be okay with it.
I somehow met my old boss from four years ago and we had a chance to catch up. Of course, the topic of my major came up. Spanish? Seriously? What’re you gonna do with that? Grace, are you sure? … Well I mean, it’s not what I like but what are your plans with that? … I think you should reconsider, there’s is pretty much a 0% chance for you in that area, given that you’re Asian. … It’s just impossible. I laughed it all off. I was so sure. And to be honest, he was plucking at a few nerves with his normal forthcoming manner. I was unmoved.
But then I went home. And I found myself considering his words, his experience. I found myself not doubting myself, but wondering whether it would be impossible to switch my path. I believe the path of God is not written in stone but on heart and if my heart felt something different, then what could I say? I seriously contemplated and decided that I would indeed change majors to Business Administration (forget accounting and economics haha). For those who think I’m fickle, please continue to think that. I really am. But I knew what I wanted in the moment. It was practical, legit and feasible. It was the logical thing to do. And I would continue my studies in Spanish as a minor so I would still be around what I love. It wasn’t too big a sacrifice.
I set up an appointment at the advising center of the business department. I calculated the classes I would need, how long I would need. I imagined myself following this path. I wasn’t afraid to go that way. After all, who can stop someone whose faith, wisdom, strength is in something, someone bigger than her? I knew it wasn’t a matter of ability or inability.
The morning of the appointment found me in bed drifting between sleep and consciousness. My mind was carrying out a debate with my heart. I found myself in mild turmoil as I subconsciously wondered if I could do business – with my heart. I found myself struggling against the logic of my choice to change. It would reasonable, practical. I could make more money (hopefully haha) and have more opportunities (probably). Then what was the issue? Why such fence-straddling? Where was this coming from? More money would definitely not be a problem hahah. And I know my dad would agree with this change even thought he never tried to stop me from pursuing espanol. Mm. I went in and out of sleep. Until I woke up and fully acknowledged both sides consciously.
I sat and closed my eyes. And even before anything, I knew. Truth is, I’d already known. But the freedom to choose, to change revealed the reality of my heart. My heart that is fickle, my heart that is illogical, impractical, impossible. I let it all go. And there, at the end of the hall, in the frame of a doorway was me. What I wanted, really wanted. Haha. Can you guess? Espanol, foos.
I don’t know why I want to. I really don’t. I’ve given up trying to understand. I just let it take me. If I ended up a loser with no job, then, oh well. Am I apathetic? Hell no. Am I lazy? I don’t really think so haha. But I take this path carved by my heart in faith. If it all fails, I’d consider that his grace too. But then, what is failing, when I have everything I want and want everything I have? To compare myself, my success with another’s would be like building a wall around myself to scale.
So here I am. To me, this step isn’t really about the my heart going back and forth. It’s just life. And I’m cool with going with it. And so this is it. This is me. I say this with one heart, one mind, one self:
Hello, I’m Grace J. Kim, Spanish major at CSUF. Holla hahaha.