Alright I’m cheating. This is my second post of the day haha.
I have a hankering to write. I don’t know what to say. I guess I’ve said what’s to be said for the day. I guess this is the excess of my thoughts.
Today, in brief moments, I feel this craziness, like I can do anything. Like I can be anything I want to be. Anything I admire, anything I find amazing, I can be. And it’s a beautiful thing. Because, as I recently told a friend, I’m actually afraid of hope. The definition of hope, the essence of it, is the possibility of not getting what I want. That scares me. I’ve come to the place where I want nothing but him. And I’m not scared to want that because I know he would never withhold from me. It’s a given. But what about everything else? What about the things in life, the earthly things? The things of my human heart? I’ve been afraid to hope, to transcend my physical view, perspective for fear of not seeing it fulfilled. For fear of coming face to face with… I don’t know, failure? Lack?
I’m here right now, in a place of fearless hope, fearless hoping. Haha. Sounds funny. I want what I want. And I will keep wanting and acknowledging it because… why not? Why not walk the line? Why not let go? Why not fall back into thin air? Why not try it? Haha.
I want to hope. I want to be propelled, nourished, taught by it. And this hope isn’t empty. It’s abundant, satisfying even before fruition because of love. Because I will hope and if nothing comes, I will still hope. To not hope is a sort of freedom. To hope endlessly is fullness of life.
Dad, hold my heart. I’m falling.