I have been crucified with Christ and i no longer but Christ lives me in me… – Gal 2:20
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of Christ Jesus our Lord for whose sake we have lost all things. – Phil 3:7-8
In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps. – Prov 16:9
These and such like these have been the inherent motto of the past couple years of knowing Jesus. The more I got to know him, the less I found for myself, the less I wanted for myself. Everyday all I want is him. Everyday. The only desire, only yearning is him. Everything else, who cares? I am dead. Whoohoo haha. When people asked me what I wanted in life, in general, I would have no answer. People would ask me what I wanted in my relationship with Jesus, and I had no answer. People would ask me what I think my calling is, and again, no answer. I really couldn’t see anything besides what I could see. Hahaha. Duh. I didn’t even have much to pray for, to want from God because I was so content with just him. Truly, it was and is a good place to be, to be free of me and so satiated with what I was created for.
But today is a new day though, aint it? Haha. Recently, I found, from the depths of my heart, desires that I hadn’t known I had, desires for the world that shocked me. As they became known to me, I began to understand my faith and Jesus in a different light.
May he give you the desire of your heart and make your plans succeed. – Psalm 20:4
That was from today’s reading. “Desire of your heart”, yeah, I’ve heard that before. But the second, “your plans” part was unfamiliar to me. If all my desire was for what was already in me, then what plans could I make in this world? What could I want enough that would lead me to plan for something, even if it was Godly? It just wasn’t in me. Until this week. I realized my Jesus wants to make something of me in this world, in his world. I still have yet to know what that will look like but the fact is, he doesn’t do anything without me. If he wants to do something with me, he will start with my heart, the wellspring of life.
And thus, I discovered a dormant desire to be used. Hahah so elementary. So obvious. But so new to me. This was a desire that I didn’t acknowledge before because I didn’t even know I wanted it. “God, use me” was absent from my prayers because I figured, if he wanted to use me, what’s stopping him? I’ve given everything to him, haven’t it? But today, right now, this is a cry, an immeasurable longing. And so I began to pray this. It escalated into desperation, a hunger that plunged me into deeper, more violent surrender.
I wanted to be taken completely by him. I wanted to have even less of me than I ever did. I wanted to be used unsparingly, expended to the last ounce with no consideration of myself.
So today, I have a desire, both inherent and realized. I have something that I want that isn’t him by definition and yet it converges with my all-consuming desire for him. As this desire develops and matures, I will find more specific things to hope for and plan.
To the master of my heart, my life, I surrender. More on this later. Maybe haha.
And by the way, before I cracked open the word today, I asked that he speak to me through his written word. I asked that he would teach me through what I read, I asked to be moved by what would be exposed to me. And this is what happened. Crazy, huh? He really does what he says he will do hahaha.
I will wait for you… you will answer, O Lord my God. – Psalms 38:15
Praise be to the Lord God of Israel, who with his own hand fulfilled what he promised with his own mouth. – 1 Kings 8:15
Tis a new day.