Hole

I’m trying to write a 2 page essay about objectivism in Spanish and it’s just.  Not happening.  Ya know what I means?

So I will spew out random stuff.

Anyone read the passage in Deuteronomy where Moses talks about masters and servants?  He basically gives these guidelines on how to go about this kind of relationship.  He says once the servant has finished his time and paid off his debt, the master should let him go to his freedom and bless him (with goods) while at it.

But then, he says, if the servant ends up loving the master and decides that he wants to serve his master permanently, then the master should take him to a door and push an awl (sort of like a nail) through his ear into the door.

Double you tee eff, right?  That’s what I thought too.  I have noooo idea what that means contextually, historically in the Israelite community.  Nooo idea.  It sounds kinda morbid.

So the second night of retreat last weekend… I’m up at the front wanting to get prayed for.  And I’m just chillin, enjoying the peace and joy and craziness.  And I become aware of… how do I say it?  I become aware of… me.  Like I’m watching myself, I guess like a out-of-body experience?  Except it’s out-of-mind.  Hahahah that sounds like I’m crazy.  Anyway.

I feel myself approach this doorframe.  And I can’t see him, his features, but I know, know that my Jesus is chilling by that door.  And he’s not sitting there waiting, wanting, hoping for me to do something.  He’s just sitting there.  In that glorious peace and grace.  I approach him out of my complete free will and… I beg him in fullness of love to take me as his servant.  I beg him in the deep rumbling of my soul because I can’t, won’t have it any other way.  I beseech him because my desire to be nothing to everything else but him is greater than my existence.  Sigh.  Why do I feel like I make no sense.  Anyway.

It’s so crazy because this ritual, which means nothing to me, becomes truth and an encounter for me.  I feel that he accepts my request, no questions, no tests and he drives that awl into my ear.  Hahahaha so dramaaaaaaaatic.  Whatever.  Don’t judge.

And in that moment, I see what I’ve committed myself to.  I bear witness to the absolute slavery of my heart.  No one can release me because I hold myself there.  Because I’m overwhelmed, floored, completely enamored, my heart chooses to lose everything – even more.

There is no more me.  Who am I?  Where do I end, where does he begin?  Where does he begin, where do I end?  Him and me, me and him.  Like before.  But not like before.  There is nothing like the now.

I am nothing.  I have never felt this full, this powerful, empowered than this moment that I acknowledge my nothingness.  I not only declare that I am nothing, I boast in it haha!  I am NOTHING!!! (:  And I’m so happy.  Heehee.

Jesus.  You captivate me.  You do it so well.  You do it with grace and style that the world doesn’t know.  You wooed me into this… servanthood.  You loved me into these chains.  And you’ve set me free.

Amazing grace.

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