I want so much to be free in mind and heart, to be held not by my thoughts, my ideas, my standards. I so want to view the world knowing nothing, thinking nothing, just to be covered, washed, immersed in the love of God. Just to see, perceive and be moved to act upon the spirit of Jesus. The more I live, the less principle I have. I just don’t care. I don’t care what’s right, what’s standard, what’s accepted. I want to be free from not only other’s eyes but my own. I want to simply be, exist as the daughter and beloved and servant of the Mighty One. I guess I lied because there is a standard I live by. It consumes me. It doesn’t apply to one area of my life – it floods all parts. I feel like I’m in a huge ocean – or that it’s in me. I can’t really tell the difference anymore. All I know is this standard, this universal principle of love. Only this. Everything I do, say, act, want, work for, long for, breathe, think… I can’t escape it. Hahah, like I would want to. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to fear. But at the same time, when I do, I want to fear, simply because I want him to work it through with me. Because I want to know him through that fear, to understand another aspect of his crazy love. Because I want his standard of love to be the air I breathe, I want it to dispel my worries, judgment, burdens. I want it to set me free to just be. That’s all I want. I want so much to be used, to be a servant but… before that, beneath that, far deeper than that… I want to simply be. To just know. To know who I am in knowing who he is. To rest in that knowledge. To fall back into space. I do not mind falling into nothing. I do not mind not knowing anything, not knowing whether I’ll fall safely. As if there is such a thing haha. I do not mind dangerous states of mind. I do not mind losing control. I do not mind looking crazy. I do not mind because all of me is no more. Who is me? Who is me alone? What do I possess if not him? I want him to know how much I’ve surrendered. I want him to see me and move according to that because that is the only thing I’m banking on. Not my actions, not my prayers, not reading the Bible. What do all these things mean if I don’t believe he sees and hears me? What do all these things mean if I don’t believe he loves me? Crap. They all mean shit. They’re actions, movements. They’re mental exercises.
So Dad. I’m here. I’m here. I’m so hungry. I’m so thirsty. I want more. I want EVERYTHING YOU HAVE FOR ME. I’ve said it before and I say it again and again and again. Hold Back Nothing. Spare Nothing. If it hurts, let it hurt. If it breaks me, let me break. Dad Dad Dad. I won’t have it any other way. I can’t. I can’t. Jesus. Hold me. Hold me and remind me that you hold me so much tighter than I ever will. Hold me. I don’t get so much, I don’t understand so much. Will you have mercy on me? Will you look upon me in compassion and remember that I am nothing, just a mist? A breath? I’m here for a second but this second has been so beautiful. I’m not worthy. I’m so lacking. And yet it’s still beautiful, so full. And so I’ve surrendered because there’s nothing left to do. If you lead me this way, I go. If you take me that way, I go. If you do this, I receive. If you do that, I worship. What else is there? I’m captive and free. I’m held by nothing but… you, my love. Reach me. You know I’m reaching for you. It’s so interesting that I say that because I know you already reach me but right now I just really want you to reach me. I want you to touch me. I want you to bear down on me. I want you to fall on me. You know how much I want to surrender, you know how much I want everything you promise me. You know. That is enough for me. I will wait.