It is an ungodly hour in which I write this.
There is one thing I ask of God more than anything else. Well more than anything else I could think of at the moment haha. More than spiritual gifts, more than money (yes, really hahah), more than a future husband, more than good grades, more than biblical understanding, more than whatever.
All I really want is humility. Over the years, getting to know this God who I can call my God, I’ve learned and am still learning the value of humility, the truth that lies within it and the immense freedom it brings. I want nothing more than to be exactly what I am. This does not mean I consider myself just nothing. I am nothing but I am also something. Hahahah. Did that sound as confusing as it was for me to write it?
Through the love of Jesus and by his spirit, I’ve come face to face with the beauty, the awesomeness, the power, the overflowing peace, goodness, hope, creativity, ability, greatness, wildness, love and so much more that lies within me. Yes, me. Me who is nothing. But the same me that carries the weight of God. The me that is loved beyond life. This is me. This is my humility.
I believe I can do anything. I am amazing. I am perfect. I am whole. I am important. My words matter. My desires are weighty. I am at the center of (his) attention. I am a woman of God, a minister of his love and powerful worker of his heart’s desire. I’m not afraid of anything. I believe I have a huge future.
A few years ago, I would have condemned the speaker of such statements with raised eyebrows and concern. Haha. Today, this is all I know. I am so in tune with everything about me – all brokenness, lack, fullness, abundance, hope, etc. I embrace me. I love being me. Because everything about me, even the crappy parts (oh Lord, the crappy parts too), is all grace, only grace of Jesus.
So why? Why humility? Because this is the path to his heart, from my experience. No amount of holiness on my part, doctrine, anointing, striving or anything can bring me to my knees in sweetness and purity than humility. In this humility I acknowledge I know nothing. I acknowledge he is God. I don’t even know how to love God. I don’t know what that’s gonna look like tomorrow. I don’t know. I just don’t. And I tell him everyday. I have nothing to assert and stand on but his love through this faith. And I’m open to whatever he wants to do. Whatever. he. wants. to. do.
It requires of me the loosening of my grip, my understanding. It requires of me to fully acknowledge God to be as big as he says he is. My thoughts, my experiences, my desires, even my hopes and dreams can’t contain him. Because I’ve let go and every day is simply a path into the uncharted territory of his heart (at least for me). Because if he wanted to do something and it didn’t make sense or didn’t seem right… I’m ready to follow. ‘Cause what’s holding me back? Nothing. Especially not me.
Let it rain, Dad. You know where I am. You know where I’ve been. Even in my pride, I want nothing but humility. To be honest with you. To be known by you.
Oh, and a Happy Birthday to my girl, Stef.
P.S. Lately, the verse for me has been Psalm 9:10 – Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Everyday, this is all I can say and rest on. Just the fact that I know your name.