This week is my spring break. And it’s going well. I think. Haha. I went hiking yesterday with some friends, which ended at a waterfall. Super fun. Water was freezing and the hike was super long but it was good. Super good. I’ve watched a few movies. I love movies. I watched Timer, which is about this woman who looks for her soulmate through this new technology that counts down to the time one will meet his or her soulmate. Cute. Interesting. I watched Oldboy again. Not cute but very interesting. I procrastinated. Not bad, since I never get to do that nowadays haha. I fought with my mom and brother and it ended well haha. Well I still would like to talk about it with my mom but she has this tendency to get over things real quick… until it come back with a vengeance. Can’t wait! Haha. I went to a Bible study thing with Stef. Fun. Interesting. What else… I’m just happy.
I’ve been rereading Captivating. I don’t know why, I found myself wanting to be reminded of what book showed and did for me. It’s been good. My heart gobbles up the words without me knowing what’s going on. These things aren’t consciously or even spiritually consciously doing anything haha. Sometimes I feel like I’m a robot. But I keep going back.
In the book, there’s a nice chunk referring to the “little girl” inside every woman, the one that might be plagued with insecurities and fears and burdens and worries and longs to be validated and understood and loved as a feminine heart. Too fuzzy wuzzy for you? Haha it kinda was for me too but this week in particular, I’ve been feeling like a little girl, that little girl.
I think over the past several… months? I’ve been feeling this… insecurity. It covers a lot of things, friends, appearance, family, money, future, etc. They come up here and there but they all point to something in my heart that I’m not able to express just yet. So interesting because a few weeks ago, someone prayed over me and emphasized identity throughout the prayer. I thought to myself, cool, I’ve got that down. HA.
Recently, God’s been asking me, What do you want? And every time, I answer with things that I want but that’s not it. There’s something. I didn’t know what it was until yesterday, on the way to the hiking trail. In the car, crammed in the back with three other girls, I heard him asking me again, What do you want? He’s so persistent haha I cannot resist. And without thinking, ruminating, contemplating, wondering, pondering, you get the idea, I immediately asked, Who am I?
“……….” is literally what went on in my head for a few seconds after my answer haha. Really? After all these years (okay, it’s not even that long hahaha) of walking with Jesus, being moved and molded and all that stuff… that’s what you want right now? And the answer was, Yes.
I do not understand where I am, I never have. But I’m here. Right now. And all I know to do is be. Even my not knowing me is a result of my being and him carrying. All I do… so simple. I am not afraid. I… am freaking excited. Because… because… because I just am!!!! Hahah!
Ask me again, Dad! Ask me ask me ask me! Who am I?? Who am I? Who is this little girl? Who resides within me? What do I look like to you? How do you feel about me? How do you love me? I will wait. Impatiently. Hahah. Thanks. Love ya.