Lately I’ve been feeling like school’s owning me. Not in the bad-grade-sense. But more of me feeling like it’s stringing me along, know what I mean? I feel like I’m working to do well, as if the grades make me. Fool I am. Who make the grades? Me. Haha. I’ve said this before, maybe not in here, but school or anything for that matter doesn’t and will never own me or anyone. I, we own it. It serves us.
So what do I do when it feels like the other way around? What do i do when I feel overwhelmed? When I’m just getting by? When I’m… getting owned. Hahah.
At first, I kinda fought it. Oh what? School owning me? Hell no. In the name of Jesus I rebuke that spirit of… whatever it is.
And then… I had to let go. Because I realized this fight for my heart, my life, even my academics is not mine. How can I control my thoughts, how I feel? They’re just what’s there, what’s true. And I saw how weak I was, how beautifully useless I am. It’s such a lovely sensation, to realize how big of a nothing I am. That… even school, this thing that sucks up all my money and time and energy and sleep (!!) is nothing. And my hope in doing well in school… well, who cares?, in the face of life. That may seem like the most irresponsible reaction to what I’m going through right now. But actually, 1. It is probably the most responsible thing I’ve done since I started feeling this way. No amount of homework and time management will get me to this place of school-ownage as my faith. And 2. I don’t care. Responsibility is not my middle name.
I’m letting go, not so I can BS everything and screw school. I’m letting go… so I can be free to own it, to revel in the legion of essays, exams, presentations, lectures, discussion boards and not be afraid. And in the end, I will tell the world, or whoever will listen, or just myself that man, I owned school… by your grace, Jesus. Thanks.
Btw, I keep looking at the word “school” and it’s so crazy that those letters are put together to define school hahah. It’s so interesting… it could have meant anything. Omg I’m not making sense. I have an exam in 50 minutes and a presentation later today. Hollaaaa.
Afterthought: Psalm 18:I forgot which verse – “You saved me because you delighted in me.” Makes me want to scream and giggle and jump hahaha!