I don’t know how I will feel about this entry but here we go. I’m at Starbucks trying to do some homework and work on a research paper but I freaking got stuck on the Bible. Just this one verse turned into several journal pages and now I can’t do anything until this is written. It’s really not anything haha but here we goooo. The rest of this entry is going to be a transcription of what I wrote in my journal so yeah.
Hebrews 12:1 – … let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…
I used to think this meant literally the sin hinders and I thought that this sort of overspiritualized sin haha. As if sin could stop us. But. I realize now when we sin, it kill us. Our conscience is battered and thrown side to side as we seek equilibrium in his peace. It’s not the sin, it’s our conscience. But it begins with sin. There’s gotta be more on this though. Because then, what is sin? I… have a hard time defining it. Hmm. I fee like sin is not objective. Each person has a different idea of sin as his HS convicts him or her. It’s changing all the time, because we are changing all the time (holy, and being made holy; perfect and being perfected, etc.).
I think we sin when we are convicted (prior to the act or whatever) and we go against it. Duh. The guilt we feel is the disconnect between what our hearts are saying and our deliberate actions. Because there was a divine command (that is always gentle and gracious) that our fleshly bodies ignored/rebelled. And our fleshly bodies are crying out, groaning for glory, for heaven (I can’t remember where in the Bible it says that haha) and… we missed it. He doesn’t judge us though nor condemn us. This is the ministry of his grace but we are brought down in our knowledge of our sin. (Sin that we know nothing about can’t convict us because… well, we’re not conscious of it. I believe this sin will be revealed in his full presence. There our imperfections are unveiled in his perfection. His glory falls into us and shows our unwholeness, our holes and lacks and then he works according to that as it comes up but that’s another story).
Then, how do we throw off the sin that entangles? Haha I felt stupid when I wrote that question in my journal because I felt like I knew the answer before I asked. His Holy Spirit! Duh, Grace haha. Whooooohoooooooooooooooo. Hooooollllaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Righteousness is His. It is his HS that enters and convicts us and then moves in us to reach glory. How? How can this be?! All it takes is a simple opening of the door of the heart. A simple, “Welcome, Holy Spirit. This is your home”. The heart that is open to you is SO FREAKING powerful. So freaking divine. And GLORIOUS. Glory recognizes glory. Something that Pastor Bill Johnson said stuck to me: we have to have glory to give you glory. Thus, the simple fact that we were created to give glory… reveals our innate glory. Glory enough to recognize the Almighty, Lord of hosts, King Eternal.
Then I remembered my clubbing and drinking days. Mind you, this is not far in the past, before I was completely touched and realized his love. This is… several months ago haha. If this stumbles you, I’m sorry haha but I will continue. During that time, I say in full and whole conscience that my love, my heart with him, my God, my King, never once diminished. The truth of his glory and love and might was revealed in my yearning for him, that unending burning for him. Seriously. I was never once stumbled nor hindered in worship nor prayer nor reading the word. You could say I took advantage of his grace. You could. But this is my truth and this is simply what I know. So anyway, during that time, I never felt or knew guilt nor shame. That in itself confused the crap out of me. But that peace, that CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY PEACE, never ONCE stopped. Like a freaking river. It just couldn’t be stopped. Hallelujah.
So. Here’s what I realize. During that time, the HS didn’t convict me of the clubbing and drinking situation. Convict as in, move within, guide and compel me in terms of it. Which is how I every time I did what I did, I felt nothing. Really. So, to me, it wasn’t sin. My conscience was fully intact. So, for me, if I didn’t go clubbing when I wanted to at the time, I would have been sinning because it wasn’t out of faith. It would have been straight out of fear of man, out of religion, out of tradition. So I did what I did, no regrets.
And here I am today. I really have no desire to go. Or rather, I still think about it and think it would be fun to go to EDC or whatever but. The truth is, my heart is not in it. It’s not wrong to me but if I were to go, my heart, my mind, every part of me would rebel. My conscience would go NUTS because that would not be what my heart wants. Then, in that case I’d be sinning. I would be sooooo entangled by my thoughts and balhalbhalbh. I would be so broken, so lost and thrown upside down because my actions are not what my heart and soul are yearning for. There’d be this huge disconnect.
Then why do it? Simple. I wouldn’t. Which means no entanglement. But the key is that it begins within. The conviction is a personal, an individual one. An encounter, a whisper from the Almighty, the Glorious One would reveal to us where our hearts are and how to reach him.
So, here, I feel a little wary about what I am going to say but here we go. I really feel like if I didn’t go clubbing and drinking when I had the opportunity and especially the heart to go, that I’d be sinning. What?!?! How??! Why?!?!? Because the only thing that would have been stopping me would be… my conscience of what I know, of what I think and what others have told me is supposed to be good and true. I would really be clinging to tradition and religion like no other, trying to find peace in something other than his peace, his faithfulness, his guidance.
Today, I would be sinning if I went clubbing and drinking because my heart is not in it. Because my heart is convicted, moved and desirous of not going. Because today, my conscience would be thrown upside down and battered if I went. And if I went, I would be condemning myself. I would be condemning myself as a liar because I TOLD him to come, to come have his way. I deliberately invited him to take control and then, when he convicted me, I rebelled.
As I wrote up to that point, I told God that if he wanted to reveal his word to me, he needed to cross-reference with the word haha. And he reminded me of Hebrews 11:6 – “And without faith, it is impossible to please God…” So true. Because when it’s not by faith, when it’s not by Holy Spirit conviction and only HS conviction, then it is by our idea and knowledge of truth which will then turn into works. Get me? And to me, that is degrading to God. I feel like this is such a blah way to live and give glory to him when we attribute our idea of goodness and freedom to him who is really glorious and divine and above the earth.
Gah. So that has been my Sunday morning. I got absolutely nothing done for school. Perfect. Hahah. Thank you Jesus. I end with this:
“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'”
OH HOLLA. Let that goodness soak in. Fully. Don’t stop it. Don’t hinder his words with yours. Don’t hinder his thoughts with yours. Just let it come. Let it say to you whatever it wants, regardless of your previous experience. Because when he speaks, it comes from a place of glory and wonder and awe. A place that we belong to.