New

My beloved Macbook is dying.  I took it in to the clinic aka Apple and the doctor aka genius said it is just too old to handle the new system and applications.  All I can do now is put it to sleep aka recycle.  For now I am using my dad’s laptop.  It’s a strange new world, with this PC.  Especially since it’s a Lenovo.  There’s no trackpad; I navigate using a small red button in the middle of the keyboard.  Anyone know what I’m talking about?  Haha.  It’s uncomfortable and I’m clumsy.  I can’t get it to do what I want at the speed I want.  I feel like a novice or ignoramus or four year old.

It’s very new to me.  And I’m not sure if I can go throughout the whole school year using this.  But at the same time I want to master it.  Not much to master, I guess haha.  But I don’t mind the idea of becoming adept at something I’m uncomfortable with, even if it takes time.

I say all this because this is how I feel about life right now.  Hahaha.  That sounds so cheesy.  Judge me.  My faith, my heart, perspective, desires… everything seems new.  Not a brand spankin’ new, all polished and ready to go.  But the kind of new that I have to adjust to, figure out and make sense of.  It’s confusing and awkward at times because I’m not sure what I’m doing or where I’m going.  I feel like I don’t even know who I am haha.  Even everything I’m saying right now seems stupid to me.  But I want to write.  I feel stuck between worry and fear and goodness.  This is new to me because I was always stuck between goodness and goodness.  But I keep believing.  I don’t know why.  Everything tells me that this is it, there’s nothing more – and not in a depressing way, just a matter-of-fact way.  I can’t see the goodness or feel it as much.  And I’m brought to this simple place where I’m so so so so very grateful for the simple simple fact that throughout all this… stuff, I’m still looking at Jesus, still waiting on him.  Just the fact that I thank him is so much to me right now.  I don’t know what to hold onto, except that since I love him, he must be holding me.

I don’t understand anything.  I don’t get this new PC.  It’s a new machine, a new monster haha.  But I don’t think I am too small to learn and grow and expand my knowledge and ability to use it.  I think I will keep chugging along.  Maybe a little blindly now.  But nothing looms bigger ahead of me than him, just him.  And we’re gonna do this together.  One application at a time.

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