I feel like a mess.
Everything makes sense and nothing makes sense. Haha.
For example, I feel like a nobody at times but I am emotionally, psychologically, mentally okay with it. Not in a dejected, resigned way. Just. It is what it is. I’m not afraid to face it and let it be true.
This might sound dumb or crazy but in the midst of this nobodyness, I feel the same intense peace. Which just lets me be okay. And that’s enough for me.
I think in the end, I am always filled with awe, a sense of wonder and amazement at life. I try to stay away from putting down transcendental notions and feely feely thoughts here but I guess, this is what it is in the end. I can’t get pass the fullness of this moment. I don’t care about the next.
But then, I wonder if that stops me from moving forward, getting outta here. And I realize, I am moving forward. The irony.
People notice that I laugh a lot. I’m going on a tangent now, fyi. Just yesterday I was talking with a friend and he asked if I thought I was funny and I replied hell no. I’m not funny but I’m drawn to funny things and funny people because I think they offer moments of pause, moments in which there is nothing to do or think or be but to laugh and let life take over. That moment when all you want is the next gasp of air, to enjoy being… right there, right then.
I guess, I laugh because life is full. I haven’t yet encountered a situation, person, moment that has denied me the freedom to enjoy. It’s not that everything is perfect. It’s that life is so damn imperfect and yet this fullness remains. Which just validates even more that this freedom is realer, stronger, deeper than all of life’s crap. So, in fact, crap is not crap. Hahaha. It’s just… life. I want crap in my life and God is so good that he has indeed fulfilled that portion of my life hahaha. Thanks, man.
I’m rambling. I think I needed this. I had wanted to write out a well-planned, well-written, interesting, compelling entry. And this is what came out. I have nothing, I know nothing, I am… nothing. Back to square one.