I’ve been feeling a little depressed or… empty lately. Not sure why.
Or maybe I do. All I know is, I want something to take my breath away.
I want to be taken off guard, to get the wind knocked out, even be swept away.
I want to feel. Everything is… what it is.
Is there more? I want there to be more.
I want to be blown away, to know I can be blown away, moved.
I’m not sure what I’m asking.
I had dinner with a friend yesterday who said I scared him. He elaborated, saying I always seem in control. He wanted to know what rocked my boat, what messed me up, what held my passion, attention, desire. In the end, I had nothing to say. But I knew, it was Jesus, only Jesus. He’s so familiar to me, so close to me, there is no separation, distinction between him and me. We just… are. It doesn’t need to be addressed or understood or expressed. Because it simply is.
I sound so lame to myself. That after everything, underneath everything, behind it all, it’s always the same. Always. Seriously. I’m not tired of it. But I know there’s more. And not even in the spiritual sense. There’s more for me to know, to feel, to be in this world. And it’s… stuffy, to say the least, when I feel like I have no way of figuring it out, figuring me out. I feel like… I’m stuck in a rowboat with no oars on a still lake with no sight of land. Soo dramatic lol.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel anything, except the overwhelming sense of… more. That there’s more, just not here right now. What do I do? I… don’t… know. Haha.
I sound emo. Lol. I feel broken, a little lost.
Here I am. Just me. Haha. Who can handle this? Handle me?
It’s interesting because no one will ever know. Why? It’s easier to not create a space for people to ask. Leave it blank, give no reason to question, wonder. And I just keep going, keep walking. No one has to know. Even if someone read this and asked what was up, I wouldn’t know what to say. The human heart is very interesting.
I end with:
The heart has reasons which reason does not know. – Blaise Pascal