I didn’t realize I had no vision until last night.

It explained so much. It explained why I did things that weren’t… conventionally Christian. Why I didn’t do things that were. This is my blog so continue reading at your risk.

I honestly did not and do not give two hoots about another person’s faith. I validate and acknowledge and give glory to God for it but… it really had no say in me, my actions, thoughts. Which explains why I refuse to contain myself or produce a good “image” so they wouldn’t stumble.

I did not have any reason to not drink or party or whatever. Really, truthfully, honestly, I did not and do not feel that it’s wrong. Really. So I would do it, with whole conscience and mind. And, I would enjoy it.

I did not have any reason to respect leadership and appointed authority (as opposed to natural authority cultivated and carried within). It explains why I can talk crap on leaders all. day. long. There was nothing in me that wanted to curb my tongue in the name of respect. If they weren’t deserving, why would I offer it? What the hell does true honor even look like? I don’t know but I wasn’t about to try to manufacture it and dishonor a leader with false respect. I at least have that much for them.

And my vulgar mouth… oh man. That F word found its way right back in my vocabulary and made a nice home next to the S word… I felt no conviction to stop cursing and so I didn’t.

The list goes on. All of these things, my life, heart, mind, were in blatant contradiction with Christianity, all the Sunday teachings. And what blew me away was I felt whole. I felt whole in my conviction to follow my heart because I never once felt separated from Jesus. He never convicted of my “sin” or cause me to repent for them. Really. Truthfully. And I understood, at least in my relationship with God, these things didn’t even matter. Please, refrain from picking up stones, my fellow Jesus followers. I am just a broken girl figuring things out as she goes.

There was nothing, nothing, to guide me. To me, God wasn’t telling me that I needed to change my ways. In fact, I struggled with that for a long time. I didn’t understand how or why I never felt guilt or rebuke for all these things I was and am. I’ve long since let that go.

Basically, I was a mess in every “Christian” sense. I was the worst one out there because I did everything wrong (not in the moral sense) and still felt right, justified.

Then yesterday, at a church leader’s meeting, the guest speaker spoke about earning God’s trust. Ping. Something hit me. My ears turned, my eyes widened, my heart responded. I could feel my reaction to his words. Earn God’s trust. His love is given freely but his trust is… well, not free. Moses, Joseph, Abraham, and more can testify to that. They were chosen to do and work but it didn’t stop with the choice. It kept going with refining, endurance, faith, testing, etc. And they eventually proved to God that they really were the vessels and instruments he created them to be.

Earn God’s trust. So unfolded my heart’s desire. Up to that point, nothing could move me. Nothing could change my behavior or habits. Nothing was worth my time.

But… his trust. Creation knows when the Creator speaks. Creation knows the Creator’s heart – it’s embedded in the Creation itself, waiting to be revealed and become truth when time comes. And time had come.

I want to earn his trust. I know I can do whatever I want. I know that he loves me furiously. I know I’m justified and saved. I know that he doesn’t want to make me one way or another. But now, in the midst of my brokenness and immense imperfection… I wanted to earn his trust.

And now, I was willing to do anything to gain it. Now, there was reason for me to change. Now there was reason for me to shut my mouth, sacrifice my thoughts, die to myself. Am I the only crazy person here? Is this making sense to anyone else?!?!?!

For me, that means deliberate faithfulness, diligence, perseverance, even persistence, honesty, honor, wisdom. I say deliberate because up til now, I had no explicit reason to pursue these things. I just let it come and be a part of my life if it fit. But now, I have drive to reach and hunger for these things.

It blows my mind that this is how he chooses to be and move in my life. He never once told me what to do. He simply loved me and let me love him in my way. And I knew that  made him happy. It was enough.

But love is a funny thing. It makes me want to keep giving and giving and giving and giving. I want to give until there’s nothing left in me. Except, I just didn’t know what to give anymore. Until now. Today, I choose to form my life and actions to build, cultivate, nurture a heart and vessel that is not only willing to serve but ready and worthy. Again, this is not him instructing me in how to go, how to live. This is all my heart. This is my initiative, my choice. And so, it empowers me.

I rest easy knowing that I don’t know what it will look like, whether I will stop drinking, cursing, etc. But I do know if I do decide to stop, I will not be alone and it will never be an external command but an internal desire for something better and real.

If you’re wondering what that looks like, I am just as curious, I just know, I want to do everything in my life today with honor, discipline, wisdom, faith, and all of my heart.

I didn’t realize I had no vision until last night. Let’s do this.

Happy Saturday.

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Walking my journey, evolving endlessly into the Me I came to Be.

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