Big Dipper

There’s something strange going on.

Ever since my first Arizona mission trip, I became fond of the Big Dipper. I could find it almost immediately. Its handle and scoop part had become familiar to me, almost like a friend. Looking at it made me feel minuscule in a comforting way. Any and every time I searched for the starry arrangement, there it would be, twinkling away, oblivious to the fact that some creatures many lightyears away grouped the seven stars together and named it something.

The Big Dipper was, in a way, an anchor. I’d pull into the driveway after a long day and stand next to my car, head thrown back and smiling because suddenly, my long day hadn’t been so long after all. It was, in a way, my peace.

Until a few months ago. I don’t know exactly when, but one night… I couldn’t see it anymore. I’d stand in my driveway for minutes turning circles, head rolling around trying to grasp the universe. Then I’d walk away confused. Maybe just not tonight. Maybe it’s too cloudy.

Every night, I’d look up and… Was I dreaming when I saw you every night before?

It’s a very interesting feeling. A little unsettling. And tonight, as I left my friend’s house, my footsteps drifted and staggered as my eyes crawled the sky in search of my Dipper. Haha.

In that moment, a question popped in my head: Did lose the ability to see it or did it disappear? Stupid question, right? Haha but at that point, it made sense. How could I have enjoyed it after all these years and… then it just up and leaves?

This is a pretty good description of how I feel right now – about myself. I feel like… I don’t know myself – again. I feel unsure of me. Whether I’m this or that, want this or that, think this or that, will be this or that. Everything that had been so familiar to me about myself… now isn’t. Or it just feels like it. I can’t figure out what I’m feeling or going through, like the way my eyes can’t latch onto the familiar Big Dipper. I search and search and search and in the end, I doubt myself, whether it had been real. Whether I had changed or it had. Everything familiar… is gone. And now everything feels strange, foreign, new.

All this is bringing me back to a pretty special place. It’s on a rug next to my bed, where I got to know Jesus. Not manufactured Jesus. It’s where I met my Jesus. It’s where he became my everything and my only. Today, he still is, and yet there’s more. I am willing to go through the unknown. I’m willing to suffer the pain of fear so we can do it together. Because, in the end, nothing remains, not even me.

I will not be afraid of where I am and where I will go. Okay, maybe a little. I guess I mean to say, I’m not afraid of the fear. The Big Dipper may be hiding, or I may have hallucinated everything, but in the end, we’ll see, won’t we? Maybe I’m just a crazy person. Maybe the universe is laughing at me. Either way, I don’t think I will stop searching.

Merry Christmas.

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Walking my journey, evolving endlessly into the Me I came to Be.

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