Feeling broken at the moment. Lots of thoughts and emotions going through my mind. Feeling like he’s calling me, drawing me, yearning for me. Feeling the desire to answer, but not sure… how.
Funny ’cause this was, used to be all I knew how to do. But right now, feeling like a little girl, a child facing a mountain. The peak is nowhere to be seen. Maybe it’s a good thing the One who calls has chosen to come down. The humility…
One foot up, one hand above. Slowly, surely, achingly, sometimes a little fearfully, uncertainly. All concentration on the dirt and rock in front. So far to go, so long to travel, but stepping back, Presence is here. Presence surrounds, engulfs this little frame. So helpless, so vulnerable, and yet, so hungry and willful. Yet, higher than the mountain, greater than its width, stronger than its base, is the Presence that rests on the girl. The Presence that doesn’t need to do anything to have purpose or power. Presence that just… is.
The little girl knows – nothing to fear. Every movement upward, everything in her pressing forward testifies to the knowledge of the Presence. It’s enough to keep her climbing when nothing makes sense, when nothing is visible. No need to see how high she is now, no need to know how much further to go – there is fullness in the task at hand, the handhold right above her, the foothold below.
Not sure why but I wish I could cry. Judge my emo-ness, I dare you. Haha just kidding. Just sometimes, I want to feel something. Something else besides satisfaction, happiness. I want to feel. Am I weird? I feel like there are things happening within and… I have no idea what to do with it. I don’t know how to react to it or treat myself. Haha.
I refuse to run from it. Face me. Rock me. Destroy me. But don’t ever hold back. Don’t ever give me less than you intended or can. If I am not able to withstand it, then give me the capacity. Don’t ever let me be the excuse of not experiencing everything you want to do. Don’t ever let my lack of faith stop me from you. I refuse to believe you would do that to me. Come show yourself as the King I worship you as. Come reveal yourself as the Almighty One I give honor to. Come take me. I have surrendered and there’s nothing more than to find peace that you hear me, know me. If you leave me hanging… we all know it’s on you. Because I’ve withheld nothing. I’ve kept nothing to myself, for myself, of myself. And if there is something, then know it’s already yours. Just take me through it.
Damn I’m feeling kinda crazy, huh? Maybe it’s the coffee… Haha. Maybe not.
Time to… figure out how to answer.