Gigantic Lump

I realized why I was so angry. I was a gigantic walking lump of complaining. Yep, I was that girl with dark scribbles hanging over her head.

Sometimes, when you’re in the middle of something, engulfed in it, you don’t know what’s really going on. For me, all I knew were my… complaints.

I ran today. 2 miles into the run, I had listed all the things I was annoyed about: church, friendships, relationship, and work. What? Only four things? No no, each category was a creature of its own, too detailed and self-incriminating (of my own judging heart lol) that I’d rather you be in the dark on this one. Unless you really care to know, in which case, ask me. 

There were probably ten of those scribble things above my head in that moment on Carmenita and Artesia. I was a gigantic running lump of complaining. So justified standing on my pedestal of righteousness. Lol.

Then it hit me. I didn’t want to be this complainer anymore. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of the world. I felt foolish for feeling so damn justified and right about everything. What was so great about me that everything I thought was right? Nothing.

And right then, I understood why I was so unhappy. I complained because I thought I was right. But it was empty and powerless because I couldn’t do anything about it. I was feeble, extremely foolish, and of course, proud. In fact, I was weak and foolish because of my colossal pride.

No one had to tell me I was being prideful, no one had to tell me I was being stupid. It was simply a change of posture and attitude. It really began with the admittance that I know nothing and that everything I thought was right or good, doesn’t have to be the only right or good. Does that make sense? This doesn’t discredit my own values and beliefs but it does create much more room for others’. It was this lack of room and grace that led me to be this… way.

I want nothing more to do with it. I gain so much more when I know I have much to learn, much to gain. Less talking, Grace, more receiving.

I’m not much of a New Year’s resolution-maker but if there was something I really wanted to see different about me in December, it would be wisdom and humility. Just that. And to add on that, I want to work hard this year. I want to earn my credibility as a worker, employee, leader. I want my work to be valuable, honest, and diligent.

And in the end, may it all be honoring to Him, to whom this body, mind, heart, and soul yields.

Happy Thursday. And New Year.

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