Sunday was a very interesting day for me. End of service found me a hot mess. Thank the good Lord I had forgotten to put on mascara that morning. As I shared with a friend about why I had cried, the river of salt water continued. I’m not used to this much crying, folks. I’m not much of a crier. I guess I can no longer say that.
Anyway. I was surprised when I heard later that a friend had genuinely asked, “Is she okay? She doesn’t look okay…”
Haha you’re probably wondering how that makes sense. When I heard that, I realized that was how everyone else perceived me, this broken girl going through sadness or frustration or hard times or all of the above. It was then I recalled the concerned and sympathetic gazes as I walked out the door.
It surprised me because… I had found strength, perfection, and wholeness in that moment and even the moments leading up to it. To me, everything I mentioned earlier are essential elements of a full life, just like laughter, adventures, spontaneity, success. For me, those tears and everything that brought me to them were a triumph, a fulfillment of my soul, a manifestation of my heart’s condition.
They were a release of the wellspring within and through them, I found peace complete in my One. They were so sweet to me. They do not indicate lack. They are evidence of a live heart, open and willing to know all of this life created by Him. I needed and wanted the brokenness. I needed and wanted the crappiness. And I had it, in the palm of my heart.
I guess, I wanted to share this entry because… I want to celebrate with those around me. Haha so cheesy.
Am I okay? I am more than okay. I am captivated, enthralled, drowning. Give me anything, give me everything. There is no such thing as a storm when all I see is Him.
On a lighter note, I decided to stop fasting. I will continue my social media fast (FB and Insta) regardless. There are few reasons for this decision. The main one being I had forgotten why I was fasting. Haha. That’s pretty damn good reason, I’d say. To be able to eat normally is a joy, a celebration, a party everyday. Hahah!