I feel like it’s been “that time of month” for a month. Been roller coastering through laughter, crying, and everything next to, in between, above, below, within, and whatever other prepositions I can’t think of right now.
Very interesting. There’s no time to evaluate it. There’s nothing to evaluate. Just… observe. Watch myself fall apart. What a lovely view I have.
And what do I hold onto? How do I keep going? I don’t even know. How do I contain this much brokenness? It’s not even a big deal. But maybe it is, to me. Who knows.
Last night I got home from tutoring late and chilled in my car for a bit, continuing my crying from the drive. At one point, I found myself saying, asking, pleading, “Please don’t leave.”
Appalled. I was appalled. Hahah. “Please don’t leave”? What the eff. Since when did I feel like that? I thought I knew he was here. That my Jesus… is everything, my hero, here to stay. And there I was, this stupid baby crying for him to… stay. Am I a fool? Indeed. A beloved fool. Hahaha so cheesay. Truly, it’s the only way I can keep going. Knowing that… it’s okay for me to be me, wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, however I’m failing. Talk about peace within the storm.
Talk about a storm. I guess, there is no end. Sure, I say it, talk about his bottomless heart for me. But it’s really true. Like really truly true. Haha. Again and again and again. Do it again, Jesus. Don’t stop. I go as far as you go. Not one step before, not one ahead.