Suffocate

I have no time to want. I have no capacity to want Jesus right now.

Never have I felt this… needy. All I see and feel and know is how much I need him now. It’s a very sober feeling. Not capricious. Not lighthearted. Not desirous.

Desperate. That’s the only word I can think of to describe this moment. I have no options. There are none. When I’m drowning, there is no choice but air. Nothing else has a chance to stand in my way, view, path. If I don’t have air, I will die. Very very dramatic. Hahaha. This is exactly how I feel. If I don’t have the One, I refuse to live. I refuse to keep going. Suicide is preferable to life without him.

Morbid? Yes, this is exactly how I need him – to that extent.

Up to this point, I’ve yearned, wanted, hungered for him. This moment is different. Starvation is different from hunger, wouldn’t you say? Hunger pales in comparison.

And it’s not that I lack… It’s that I came in full contact, fell into the pit of my soul’s depth. Below even the gentleness and craziness of his love is this animal pursuit, ravenous instinct for him. I feel like things just got real haha. I don’t know what to do except be and do what I feel. All thoughts, all methods, all defense mechanisms, all fears, all burdens have dissolved. There is no room for such things.

I feel like I’m rambling.

Never have I felt this needy.

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