This week in a very big nutshell:
– Sometimes, it takes a midterm grade of less than 50% to slap me into reality. Thank the professor, who works really hard to pass all his students and add extra credits for doing homework. I’d been riding the wave of thinking I’m top of my ish. It was nice, a little boring, a little complacent, but an easy way to cope with the lack of time and energy. But now, tis the time to get back in the grind. Let’s do this.
– Pandora is great. I’ve discovered a new band and expanded my love for one I’ve already known. The new: Young Oceans. A little indie, folksy or something. Lyrics are amazing. And the current: All Sons & Daughters. I plan on raiding iTunes for the rest of the albums and songs. It’s not really raiding since it adds up to less than 20 songs lol. But yes. Considering paying for an ad-less Pandora…
– Subtle divine appointments. I didn’t realize but as I write this… it’s been a very interesting week. It really deserves its own entry. But considering my spotty blogging in the past month, I’d rather spill it than wait for the chance to let it go.
Monday found me talking with my dad over the phone in the school cafeteria. I rarely see him nowadays; we keep different hours and sometimes he sleeps over his office in LA. I’ve been helping him with his business, taking care of customer service and things that require English. Lol. Anyway, near the end of our call, we participated in small talk and he mentioned that he has a lot of time nowadays, which he spends browsing articles online. Exciting. Then he says something that so subtly, so gently stops me in mid-existence. He says with a sigh, “Reading these articles (I’m assuming articles on family, relationships, etc.), I realized, there are a lot of things I’ve done… that might not have been right… I realized I’ve been wrong about things. Especially with Jed, with you, with Mom.”
What? Appa, did you forget you’re a first generation Korean dad?! What did you do to your fear-inducing, stubborn, immovable person?? Where is he? I couldn’t see it, hear it. All I knew was, at the other end of the line, spoke a very broken person. A person who was going through many things I would never know about, things I wouldn’t understand. A person. Just a person. Not a monster, not even my dad. Just a person… wrecked by the craziness of life. I think my mouth was gaping for a moment. Needless to say, I was speechless. Finally, when I gathered up enough of myself to string together some words, I joked, “Whew, well it’s a relief that you know now!” Hahaha yes, that was my response. Well, that’s my relationship with my Dad, it goes like that. He laughed and I laughed too. I will be honest, hearing that didn’t make me happy or happier. It just is. I’m glad he can live a little lighter acknowledging that he is who is, did what he did, and that nothing changes between him and me. Because I love my Dad. And I know he loves me. Oh what a damn journey it’s been, struggling to understand that about each other. What a damn road we’ve come. I say damn because it’s such a simple thing… yet it’s not done by human strength, human power, human love. It’s crazy.
Then Tuesday… with my mom. Hahaha. I already wrote so much about Monday… I’ll be back with the rest of this past week. I will do my best. Not because sooo many people read this, haha but for myself. Writing is something I have, something I want to grow and invest in. It’s who I am, where I find myself and I want to do it for myself. Anywayyy.
There’s so much I want to say. Three simple words though to describe this week since I can’t finish right now (I’m trying to get to church on time haha):
Freedom and Rediscovering.