Have you ever felt like everything you knew is falling apart? I feel like such a brat and a child saying it but I’m there right now.
I’m frustrated because even this place, this blog has become foreign to me. I feel at odds. How I feel about making public what I want to write shows how… uneasy I am with myself at the moment. I guess you can call it insecurity. Or whatever.
I… am confused. I’m lost. A mess.
I want to be humble. More than anything in this world, in this universe, more than anything I could ever want, or need, I want to be humble. I don’t want humility. I want me, the person, the being, to be humble. There’s nothing truer than that place of knowing exactly where I stand.
All my words sound so weak. So empty. So lame. Haha. I don’t know where I stand. I am at a loss of words. And yet I keep going. Haha.
I guess in a way, I don’t want to fail Him. I don’t want to do the “wrong” thing. It’s interesting how all of my walk with Jesus, every idea, notion, concept of what’s “right” and “wrong” had been dissolved, reduced to nothing. I know that there is no “right” and “wrong”. I know people will strongly beg to differ but here’s me. You choose a path and in the end, you learn by heart, not by mind, the truth of that choice, whether it was good and something you want to repeat.
Anyway, so I come to this place and I find myself… wanting to do the “right” thing. I don’t want to disappoint Jesus. So funny. Because I had spent these past years learning about how pleased he is with me just for me being me. Oh God. Literally. I need You. I need You. I need You.
See how I might feel confused? How I’m rendered speechless? How…
I absolutely am in need of Him. It’s not fun and games haha. I feel like things just got real. And I want to commit. I want to believe in the path I’m taking. I want to let go – more. Everything I had learned, reached, understood by letting go up to this point, I’m letting go of.
One thing I know though, I want to explore. I want to see what the world is like. I’ve grown up here all my life. The farthest I’ve gone at an age that really matters (my 8th grade trip to the east coast doesn’t really count in my books haha) is San Francisco. I’ve never really lived out of my parent’s house. I’ve been told by people that I need to travel. Haha, and especially with that new green card, how can I not?!
I don’t know why I’m hesitating though, when the opportunity comes up. That’s another story. But then again, it’s not. It goes hand in hand with my fear of not doing “right”.
Here I am. Who knows, one week, one year, one lifetime later maybe I’ll look back at this post and laugh at the mountain range I made out of an anthill. Or was it molehill? Lol.
I keep wanting to call myself foolish and stupid, pathetic even, for feeling the way I do. But I will not. I will proudly wear my confusion and lack of understanding. I will not judge myself for something I wouldn’t judge someone else for.
I end with a quote that I’ve already posted before.
To hesitate to perish. – Simón Bolívar
Happy Sunday. (Really.)