Remembrance

I visited some archived entries from April 2013, a year ago. I came across this:

(April 13, 2103) I am about go to the last general session of a woman’s conference.  I have one thing.

Dad, teach me to hope again.  Show me again how you look at me.  Remind me your gaze.  Awaken my heart to your touch.  A new way, a different way, an everything-falling-out-from-under-me kinda way.  Because this is all I live for, to know you.

Bring it.

Interestingly, the same annual conference is in less than two weeks and my heart is manifesting the same hunger. It is still so crazy to me that each year is different; I’ve grown in ways that I’ve never grown before, experienced things I’ve never experienced before, loved like I’ve never loved before… and yet today, it’s the same. My heart returns to the place of longing, yearning, thirst for the good, true, and perfect as if it belongs there. It trembles in such anticipation. This new hunger doesn’t undermine, displace, dissolve past encounters that once satisfied me. Rather, all past encounters… prepare this heart for the more, because, oh God, there will be more.

Dad, I’ve never known life in color until I met you. Peace was a distant word that did not make sense; joy, a mere fabricated human emotion. My heart was an imploding black void, every part of me crippled, broken, hurt, lost.

And then you came and with you, a universe of perfection, goodness, freedom. You came upon this poor child with unrelenting furious love, and it was an unfair fight. I had nothing to counter the solid power and gentleness of your humble heart. I broke upon the first touch, and now I ask for more. I’m asking that you take me beyond all composure, all of what I think is good, perfect, true. I’m asking that you meet me. I don’t care how you meet me, I don’t care what you show me, I don’t even care what you say to me. I just need it to be true, need for it to happen. Because this. is. it. For me, this is all. There is nowhere else for me to go. This. is. it. You are the only one. I need you. With all of me, from head to toe. I. need. you. Today and forever. But mostly today.

I’ve proposed my heart to you. I’ve confessed the deepest desire of all my life in a couple paragraphs. What do you say? How do you want to answer? How do you plan to move?  I will take anything you give out, even the leftovers. I don’t care, as long as it’s from you.

This is an excerpt from the day after last year’s conference and that entry:

(April 14, 2013) Up until a couple days ago, life was good.  Yes, really good.  As usual.  So full.  So lovely.  And beautiful and perfect.

Then such a thing like this past weekend happens.

And life becomes real.  Not realer, it’s not addition.  It just becomes… a different dimension of real.  Like I just entered in the Blu-ray HD world after some time in DVD land.

It is good, really good.  As usual, full, lovely, beautiful and perfect.  Nothing changed but everything changed.  I don’t have the capacity to put my experience in words right now, even though I can probably tell you if it was in person.  I just.  I just…. (for more.)

I look forward to meeting you. Again.

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