Pre-study

I crack open the books to study and put on this song:

Yeah. 0% productivity. I can never get anything done with my playlist of similar songs and yet I do it every time. I just don’t learn. Maybe I don’t want to. Haha.

Today, I had a moment where I felt like I was sinking into an abyss of hopelessness… I felt like I would be stuck in this place, playing the same role, acting out the same brokenness again and again and again and again… and again… and again… I cannot tell you how depressing it is. I cannot tell you how… desperate I feel at times like this. It feels like I will never free… that his grace exists and this lack is part of it. It breaks me, it really does. Because sometimes, as much as I know he is so present in the present, in the here and now… I don’t want to be here, at least not forever. I am hungry. I am thirsty. I am yearning to not know. I am longing for the place of getting lost. Getting deliciously… helplessly… unstoppably… lost. I want to lose it all again and again and again and again. My sense of being grounded, of knowing. Because the sweetest place to me, time and again, is the place of surrender. The free fall, not a tense muscle, not one bit of hesitation – because when you’re pushed to the edge, the very edge, to your wit’s end, your faith’s end… there is no second-guessing, no double-checking before taking a step. There is only… falling. Only letting go… only being undone.

So. As I do my homework, as I study for my finals, as I prepare for this summer, as I… live… I will… keep believing. I will keep going because

God, you are all I have. You are all I know. You are the everything you said you are. I am a fool for you. I sometimes take a step back and see how I appear foolish, naive, ignorant. I can see how it may seem. And honestly, it is. It is foolish. I have no argument for anyone who would ever care to mention it. I guess this my portion. A foolish, hungry girl. So foolish, so hungry. So blind to all except one, the One, you.

One more step Daddy. One more step and I’m tumbling off the edge. Again. Catch me.

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