There is someone I really admire in the Bible at this time: Jonah.
I admire his disobedience.
I admire that he did what he wanted. He didn’t enter a pensive state of mind, heart, or faith. That fool… did what he did. No meta-cognition. Just movement. He blatantly looked God in the eyes and disobeyed. I admire he simply lived. There was no… hesitation. Not even a noble wrestling to do his will. Hahah! I love it. And how he STILL complained in the end like a little baby. Loll. I find that so endearing.
I want to do that. I want to just do what is on my heart. Why… why… WHY do I have to live this life pursuing his will? It’s like a cloud hovering over me. Not really a burden, not a law. Just a cloud. Lol. Horrible explanation. Whatever.
I know I know I know. Apostle Paul would probably sit me down and explain in a million ways why he beats himself to be worthy of the cross. But… what if I’m not afraid of falling, failing? What if, to me, the prospect of living is greater than the security of the good Christian life? God, I can just sense someone shaking his/her head as he/she is reading this.
I feel so jaded. I feel like I live in this culture of Christianity in my mind. I don’t feel free because my heart is so free and I don’t get to express it fully. I don’t get to let it be. Because, even in my own mind, I am pursuing something great, I want to be great, a worthy vessel. Is this possible if I simply do what I want, what my heart wants? Haha.
I’m done. I have no answers. I am faced with silence. I think only time can answer.
Jonah, you the man. Kudos to you being you. My bad for judging you all this time, my bad. In the end, you’re the only one in the entire book that got to sit in a whale’s tummy and get out alive.