Life is crazy, isn’t it?
Finding myself walking down alleys I never expected, imagined. Discovering strengths as well as weaknesses in areas I never knew existed. Hoping for things I’d never thought I’d ever want. Running after the wind. Lol.
Life is crazy.
Never thought I’d be this place. It’s no special place, nothing crazy, nothing extravagant, nothing perfect. Hell no, no where near perfect. Yet… it is… it is so perfect. Just because it is. Hahah. Because it is. And I’m able to laugh it all off, brush off every doubt, step on any fears because I rest in a place that doesn’t seek perfection, doesn’t boast in anything that the world counts worthy. I am stilled by a voice so close I can’t distinguish its beginning and end. I just listen, I just follow, I just be. And it moves.
I rest in that security, that hope, that perfection. It’s not mine, and yet it is. It’s beautiful because it’s not, and grace because it is. And I am once again, so exhaustively, so deeply captivated.
I totally forgot about this morning. I’d wanted to write about it all day. Anyway. I woke up with my eyes still closed, ya know, that place where you’re not asleep nor fully awake? There’s definitely brain movements or something happening. When I have a bunch of deadlines or I’m stressed about something, I wake up to a mindful of negativity, complaints, and furrowed brows. Lol. Anyway. Today was different. No deadlines, no stress. Just… I could not could not could not stop thinking about how much I need him. How much I need him. How much I need him. Same story, different day. I am pretty amazed at how consistent this longing. You see, I’m not a very consistent being. I’m one way today, another way another day. I don’t hold on to anything because in the end, I find it’s not worth holding onto.
But this one thing. Never changes. It’s like a stanking boulder. It just won’t budge. I cannot run from it. Because I keep running back. I cannot hide from it because I keep seeking it. I cannot ignore it because all I want is it, him.
Anyway. I just thought that was a pretty beautiful moment, to wake up to my sub-conscience desiring something so innately, so naturally, deeply. That it’s not just me as a cognizant being. It’s almost an animalistic pursuit.
On a less serious note. Is this study abroad thing really happening? Oh God. It scares me to death that it won’t. Haha. Man. We shall see. We. Shall. See.