Got home a tad buzzed last night. Ended up having the craziest heart to heart with my mom. We talked about EVERYTHING.
Barcelona, school, future, Dad, Jed, Mom, me, career. Beyond that, there were things that couldn’t be expressed or contained in a word or phrase. Things that lie below the surface of the conscious landscape of our hearts.
I cried quite a bit. There was one point where I shared how hard it was for me when she leaned on me during an especially difficult time. Breaking down, I told her I had felt so burdened and as if there was nowhere for me to go since she always came to me. She listened, and it seemed like it was the first time she acknowledged my pain and loneliness during that time. That killed me, making me cry harder. And then she shared that when she had shared with me her burden, fears, shame, and hopelessness, it lightened her load, allowing her to keep going. Oh my Lord Jesus Christ have mercy. I had heard this part before but everything converged in that moment. The meeting place of both our brokenness, the absence of unneeded apologies, the acceptance of each other’s story, the crossing of our paths and the continuous running alongside the same river of grace. We never said sorry, it didn’t feel right to make the hurt and depth of our shared history less than it really truly was. I don’t know how that works out in my head haha but it makes sense to me.
She didn’t do anything to try to make me feel better and for that I was grateful. She simply listened and let me be and wasn’t afraid to share her story.
After all the crying was done, I asked her to pray for me. She laughed and was hesitant because I usually didn’t like her prayers, accusing her of being so traditional hahah. I insisted, asking for her blessing. So she did, and for the first time, I heard her prayer not with my head but with my heart. And I received all of it. Every good thing she wanted for me I began to understand the truth behind it. The truth that the difference of our faiths would never matter in the face of love, love so giving, love so willing, love so true and good.
It’s so crazy, isn’t it? After all the crying, raised voices, arguments, debates, confusion, bitterness, resentment, it culminated in a moment of unexpected grace. No logic would make sense. No explanation was needed.
Anyway. Longer post than I expected.
Trying to get a move on with Barcelona preparation but… still trying to pick myself up. From what, I don’t know haha. Slowly but surely? Haha. Anyway.