The silence is interesting. It wraps around me so heavily, the sound of my typing and clocks ticking make it heavier.
I’m very dramatic, and I have a feeling this post is going to be a little dramatic. Brace yourself, or click out of this page lol.
Less than half an hour ago, silence was a stranger in the midst of children yelling, lights flashing, loud music, and people enjoying themselves over burgers, nachos, cotton candy… I just came from my church’s annual Halloween community event.
I was in my uniform of jeans, t-shirt, and chucks, just off of work. Everyone younger than 30 was dressed up, and some of the costumes were actually hilarious.
I found myself walking around slowly and drinking everything in, feeling at home. And at the same time, feeling like I was entering another’s home.
I couldn’t help but smile at everything, just the atmosphere and energy. But it felt like I was smiling from the outside. It wasn’t that I felt lonely or lost or anything depressing haha. It was like I was walking through my past, eyes moving over all the familiar things that were once me. So familiar. It was like a museum, in a sense. The me today speculating on the me yesterday.
I didn’t try to fit in, I didn’t want to. I just wanted to be where I was, where I am, and let where I had been… where I had been. I didn’t feel connected or super welcomed and that was fine. I saw some girls I had taught in high school that are now first years in college. It was good seeing them, but it was definitely different. I was walking around the maze of something that had been once so real and full to me. And it still is, just not to me.
I don’t know. It was actually pretty gratifying to see where I am now. Not that’s it’s a “better” place, if there is such a thing. Just. I don’t think I could see myself back there again. Much has changed. I feel like I’ve… matured in my own way. Not the whole “adult” thing, but I feel like I’ve stepped a little further into me, and my skin seems to fit me a little better. I’ve come into my own, I guess. It used to scare me, who I thought I was. But time tells, it always does. And when we let it weave its own story, rather than try to force something or guess at what its trying to say, it tells a pretty genuine and beautiful tale. Now it makes me smile, who I know I am, who I am still knowing.
So I come home. No one’s home, just the familiar furry little bodies. I fix dinner (rice and curry, my favorite) and I sit to eat. The silence hangs over me. Such a solemn tribute to this journey, to my growth, to my new-found fearlessness, eagerness, rawness. I’ve never felt so full in my life, walking through the crowds of people, alone, yet so satisfied and whole. I’ve never felt so much peace, ending a crazy long week in an empty home, eating dinner alone.
I’ve found it. I’ve found something real, something real good. It’s taught me to be bold, it’s taught me to be soft, it’s taught me to be alive and living. I don’t need to say what it is. It feels cheap for some reason. But I’ve found it. It’s real, it’s possible. I probably don’t make sense. And I don’t know how I sound right now. But it just makes so much sense. Haha.
I don’t even know how to end this melodramatic entry. Lol.
Well, my mom just came home. So I’m no longer alone. And I’m going out to a party later. It’ll be interesting. What an interesting day.
Happy Friday. And happy Halloween.