I’m a free woman. Or still learning.
Last Tuesday I got my nose pierced. This Monday I took it out.
What happened after Tuesday was my dad’s reaction. What happened on Monday was my reaction to his.
He was extremely displeased. This is very close to being an understatement. But I’ll spare you the details.
I was shocked by his reaction. And by my reaction to his, I realized how many layers we have in between us, how much history we have… The whole disagreement even touched upon my identity as a person and as his daughter. But I’ll spare you the details.
I still think I’m right but I knew that it wouldn’t get us anywhere. My dad was and is a boulder. A really really really big dense one. I could choose to be one also, or I could choose not to be. And so, Monday night I took it out.
Still, I felt a little broken. A little sad.
Today, I had therapy. Guess what we talked about. Yes.
Did I cry? Heck yes. Did I curse? A little.
The most important part though, was the moment I realized, with my therapist’s help, that there’s nothing I can do about my dad. Nothing I can or should expect of him. I realized, it’s time to walk away. Not bitterly, not resentfully, not anything negative.
It’s just time to acknowledge things for what they are, our relationship, his view of me. And it’s time to walk.
Once we established that, I felt like I had been waiting this whole time. Waiting and waiting and waiting without knowing that I had been waiting. Waiting for the perfect relationship. Waiting for the perfect reaction, the perfect approval. And even more, I was waiting for that perfect “God moment”. Lol. That magical moment when my dad finally understands and we live harmoniously forever and ever. But no.
If he’s not okay with me being me… why is that not okay? I will die a million deaths before everything is “okay”. Forget perfect lol. And all this waiting was tiring for my bones, my desire and will to grow and learn and move beyond everything I’ve already known.
I took out the piercing because I wanted to save my relationship with my dad. For a moment prior to that decision, I wondered if I would be losing a part of myself by giving in to him. Really, it went that far.
But I realized I don’t have to wait on him to be whole. To have peace. To be approved of.
I’m here. I’m me. And this is it. Nose pierced or not.
Dad, I love you. It’s difficult because we love on different wavelengths. But it’s there, I know. I’d love to talk about it someday when we won’t get so heated. Til then,