I have 5 minutes til my study break is over.
I have 3 full days left before I leave for Portugal. I don’t know where the time went, but the program is almost done. I can’t even focus on that right now because I’m 1 exam, 1 paper, and 1 presentation away from reality. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. I guess the main thing is, I’m eternally grateful to be here. Grateful for all of it, everything that makes up my experience and moments here, everything that will continue to stay with me when I’m back in my home environment, everything I’m leaving behind.
To me, it’s not about staying here longer, or trying to etch in my memories what Barcelona has been to me for the past few months. It’s the person I’ve become, the stretch of heart and growth that can only come over time, even time as short as 3 months. I don’t fully know how far I’ve come; I know I will keep discovering the changes when I’m home. It’ll be even more apparent, actually, when I’m back. It will be like returning to a vacuum, a place that hasn’t changed, a place that’s constantly been moving at its own pace… while I moved at another one.
I’m coming back with not just pictures, videos, souvenirs, receipts (I saved all of them… I’m not sure why ahah)… I’m coming back with a sharper and deeper hunger for the world, its experiences, its people. This world is a crazy place.
— Study break over —
I’ve realized I don’t want to stop moving, traveling, being in uncomfortable situations, meeting and encountering all kinds of people… I think that traveling is not just a luxury but a necessity to see, really see the world for what it is. Ultimately, it’s humbling. When we realize how big the world is, how little we are… it brings us to a place of rawness, realness, and to me, a place of peace for some reason. And I don’t want it to stop. I don’t want to stop being put in my place. Here is where I grow and gain and thrive.
Even more now than before, I know nothing. It’s refreshing. A blank canvas for every day, every experience, yet its marks aren’t without their respective impact.
And then there’s the guy. That guy. We have not stopped talking since we met. It’s been a little crazy at times. And it only got harder being apart. At first, I dealt with it. Easy peasy. Days, weeks, months (all 3 of them hahah) have passed and now I’m itching to see to him again. I’m anxious and nervous; it’ll be like starting over, in a way. There are some things whose weight you feel even more intensely in its absence. Physical presence is a powerful powerful thing, I’ve found. We’ve developed emotionally, mentally, relationally (not a real word). But
— Study break over —
it’s different when you’re in the same city, the same place, and able to enjoy being around each other. Did I mention he’s coming out to Europe? Yep, for the last leg of the trip. We will be hitting up Berlin, Cinquer Terre, and Barcelona. After not seeing each other for 3 months, to spend a couple weeks together, it’ll either be the worst and awkward decision ever. Or the best. Or just interesting. Hahaha.