- I don’t know why but people, usually non-Asians, call me Kim. It sort of boggles my mind. I’m not offended in any way. I just don’t get how a person reads or hears that my name is Grace Kim and proceeds to address me by my last name. I guess it would be the same for a guy named John Scott. It’s happened several times so I thought I’d write about it.
- This is my first Friday in since a while. It’s quite nice. The quiet, the Heineken, the stillness. I realize it makes a difference having someone in the house even if we’re rooms or a floor apart. My mom is puttering around in the kitchen and we are pretty much doing our own thing but… her remote presence is appreciated. I know she feels the same. You’re welcome Mom.
- My internship has been extended. I’m quite excited and pleased. I know I sound so nerdy but I like the work and I like learning. Holla. I also like direct deposits. Is that wrong of me to say?
- Speaking of learning, I start my last semester of undergrad in 2 weeks. I don’t know if I should be ashamed or proud. Lol. I don’t even want to mention how long it has taken me to graduate. But ultimately, I’m happy to be here. I’m glad I got to squeeze in a semester abroad and an awesome internship my last year. What a longass journey.
- Korea 2016. It’s going to happen.
- Can someone explain to me why lighting a match in the house is so undesirable? I like to light matches sometimes at my desk or wherever I am in the house. It smells good and its smoke fascinates me. But everyone hates it. And I get in trouble. I genuinely don’t understand. I feel misunderstood. Why? Do you feel like I’m going to burn the house down? Is that irresponsible of me? If it’s that offensive, would it be less offensive if I step outside? Does it matter to you that I look crazy to our neighbors? Or no? Or is it just the fact that I like lighting matches that bothers people? Life musings.
- This next bullet point is about relationships. I just felt like I needed a buffer between the previous childish point and this one. I know, another amazing transition.
Sometimes I feel like we are all about relationships that we forget the important stuff. We forget what about the other person makes us smile, laugh, roll our eyes in a joking/pleased way. We forget what made us fall in love, trip up our words from nervousness. We forget the conversations and laughter. Somewhere along the way, it gets so damn serious. At one point it becomes all about the relationship. Is he/she meeting my needs? Am I compromising too much/little? What did I do wrong? Why does he/she always do that when he/she knows it bothers me? Why is he/she not perfect? Don’t I deserve more? Do I? And it goes on. It becomes more about what I can get out of it. It becomes about “making it work”. Making sure we can have a future and it’s gonna be the future I/he/she/we want. I agree that these questions are important. Very important. Like make-or-break the relationship status important. They need to be discussed and there should definitely be an understanding of each other’s needs/wants/desires/etc. Absolutely.
But I also really agree with the idea of simple appreciation of the other. A simple enjoyment of the things that brought two together in the first place. All these expectations and rules I’ve been primed to look out for and attain guarantee from the other… I’m not really feeling them at the moment. To be honest, they have caused me grief and frustration and a certain loneliness that is not necessary. Loneliness in the sense that the other does not understand my needs/wants/desires/etc. and I am misunderstood. And to be honest, I’m over it.
I want to enjoy the person. I want to taste their pain and their triumphs. I want to know their deep hopes as well as their deep fears. I want to be where they are and give my best. I want to walk with them not so focused on the road and where we’re heading but more on what’s going on in the moment and appreciating every breath I get to breathe next to the other. Sometimes, why is it so important to know where we’re heading and making sure our paths converge if the part of the road we’re on already is so delightful and full? I feel foolish in a way for my lack of foresight. But I don’t feel as foolish when I reflect on hindsight.
So. Here I am. A little wiser, never less foolish. Here’s to navigating love.
This entry is dedicated to a fellow intern that mentioned he read my blog and said some really encouraging things about my writing and me. Nathan, this is for you!! Haha! Not much of an entry but thank you so much for your words. Seriously. Made my day.