My attitude lately has been characterized more and more by annoyance, intolerance, and rolling of eyes. Also, very little patience.
Toward family, this is normal. Lol.
Toward non-family, not so much. But so prevalent nowadays, it seems.
Specifically, I get so easily ticked by those who seem to live in their own worlds and are so stuck in what they think is right. There is no room for real discussion, real conversation, realness. I have so much going on my own mind, overrunning my gears, silently pointing out the other side of things, the possibilities that there is more than one “right”, their “right”.
I feel that by my silence and secret judging (because that’s what I’m really doing), I am quietly and furtively burning bridges… It gets harder and harder to see and converse with the same people… the same hamster wheel… again and again. Again and again…
I want so much to let my mouth go, let my thoughts free, into the air and freedom. I’m just afraid once they’re out… a heavier silence will settle between us. A silence I won’t be able to apologize for, a silence I don’t think I can apologize for. A silence they won’t know how to fill or feel about. A silence at the abruptness and annoyance in my voice.
And ultimately, I’ll be the fool, thinking I was so damn right. I would be the most wrong one, doing the most damage.
Times like this, I can’t help but hate myself, hate the way I think, hate the way I think I’m so right. Then I move on to hate my cowardice. I hate that I can’t be true to what I think and feel. Yes, it’s for the sake of the relationship and the other’s feelings. But I respect the person that can come at me and then handle what I have to dole out in return. Can I expect that the same is expected of me?
I don’t know. If someone truly asked me how I felt, I would say it. But no one does. They want to hear their own voice, to have their thoughts validated. And I just sit there. Wondering why they don’t just start their own blog. Lol.
In the end, I always end up looking in the mirror. I see my massive shortcomings as an impatient self-righteous person. And it successfully shuts me up every single time. Without fail. Because I’m just me.
I guess it begins with me. With what I can do about myself, for myself.