Standing, falling, standing

Over the lifetime of this blog, many many many many many many many things have changed. Many. Hahaha.

One of them is that I began to worry about whether I’m right or wrong, the things I feel and think. I know, that’s very vague. But just know, it’s something else to struggle within, to war between mind and heart and soul. To spectate the struggle between my inner person, the daughter and sister, the church member, the coworker. Between the person I am, the person I was, and the person I want to be. At times I am overwhelmed with juggling all dimensions of me – or rather, trying to juggle them.

But, as with all things, time always tells, in the sense that time erodes away the things that aren’t true, things that don’t make sense to the person of me. It’s not that they’re wrong, necessarily. They’re just not right for me. And I’ve learned to accept that. Sometimes it leads me to weird places, places that I never would have expected to be or conceive of in my mind. Those are the moments where I feel vulnerable, interestingly on edge because I’m venturing into uncharted territory. At times like these, the thoughts that run through my mind: Is this okay? Should I not be here? Did I mess up somewhere along the line?

And like I said, time always tells. Eventually, over time, over many hours of furrowed brows, considerations, contemplating, sifting, wearing down, I’m left at a place where I’m staring the truth in its face and I laugh because it had always been there. I laugh because it was everything I thought it to be, but this time without the fear, the anticipation, the hopeful possible explanations of what’s true, the pensiveness, the feeling of dejection of not “getting it”. I laugh because I’m free. I laugh because the truth is free, I don’t have to pay for it in any way. Except possibly walking through the fire of doubt and fear. Yeah, I think that’s the only pricetag on truth – to be brave enough to run after it and chase it until it’s made a home within. Until the realization and full understanding that it was always within. That no one can do that for you, for me, for anyone. That it’s yours, it’s mine, it’s everyone’s.

All this I say to say: what a process life is. How far and long I’ve come since the first post in February 2012. Everything I was once so sure of, so confidently wrote about, I feel like I don’t know as much anymore. I feel like I can’t speak to it the way I once had. I gingerly question whether I really know something, whether it is truly true to me. And in doing that, I almost undermine everything I once thought and believed. I’m learning that’s okay. That the struggle within is okay. I’m just a human being figuring out life, the life meant to be lived by only me. The life only I can live.

A little earlier, I was so afraid I was losing my grip on everything I’d once known, everything I had built on so well. So much so I couldn’t write about it, didn’t want to say it even on my own platform. But I think I’ve come along far enough to know life is a freaking process. I will know and then not know. I will be standing and then falling. I will be believing and then doubting. Walking, crawling, and running. That today is not the last day, the culmination of my life hahha. No, it’s just today, yet it’s the only guarantee I have. A vibrant 24 hours (or 18 hours haha) full of questions and answers and then more questions, contemplating and understanding and then more contemplating.

It just keeps going. It once scared me, all these questions and possibilities. But it’s fuel now. I’m hungry – or voracious, rather ahaha.

I’m happy to be here. It’s a good place to be. I treasure the sense of belonging – it was once all I ever wanted and the most evasive feeling. It’s a real thing now, probably the realest thing I know now lol. There’s probably nothing realer, more permanent than the fact that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I couldn’t belong elsewhere.

I’m done haha. Enough for a Monday morning.

Happy Monday!

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Walking my journey, evolving endlessly into the Me I came to Be.

2 thoughts on “Standing, falling, standing

  1. When the stars and planets line up, it’s an amazing thing. I think we were supposed to cross paths on a mountain, in a sandwich shop, in Squaw Valley. As random as it sounds, it’s the next step in your writing journey. I strongly encourage to continue writing and apply to writing conferences such as VONA, Squaw Valley, Tin House, Breadloaf.. the world would benefit from the works of young woman of color!Let’s keep in touch!

  2. Girl, I’m at work just reading your blog instead of doing what I’m supposed to. I miss you and feel you with this ever enduring existential crisis.

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