Some kind of way

I’m feeling some kind of way right now.

Definitely feeling Post Malone’s Deja Vu. Lol. Or just Post Malone in general. Why does he only have 5 songs out?!?

Anyway lol – I’m feeling that feeling when things go the way they go – if you just let it.

Feeling that you don’t have to always try. That striving and paying dues aren’t always the way. Doesn’t take away from the fact that they sometimes are.

But sometimes – moments like this.

I know I have to hustle right now, I have to get shit done. I know, I know, I know.

But what can I do when life beckons, a tantalizing finger raised so slightly, inviting me to breathe, smell the coffee, soak the sun through the window, and know where I am, where I’ve come, that I have somewhere to get to. That life isn’t going to shit, the way I thought it would a year ago, a few years ago, a lifetime ago.

I’m feeling some kind of way right now.

I’m done with short-selling. I’m done with minimizing. I’m done with excuses. I’m done with a lot of things.

I am unapologetically – me. Finding my voice is surprising more cyclical than I expected. Time and time again, crests and troughs, silence and verbal diarrhea.

On a tangent, I realize how little I like working for money, I don’t like doing stuff that doesn’t fly with me. Yes, I just described most everyone that’s reading this.

Is it okay that my brain cells are spent on work that’s dictated more than a third of the day, more than half the time I’m awake? Is it okay that I’m busting my ass to meet deadlines and not fuck up? Is it okay that I’m staring at my screen + second monitor so I can fill spreadsheets, that I’m chasing down clients to piece together an understanding of something that doesn’t add to my person?

Yes, I’m growing professionally. Yes, I’m put in situations that stretch me. Yes, I am making good money. Yes yes yes – I’m grateful for the opportunities but then I ask myself how much I care haha. Okay fine I do, a little. But at the end of the day, I live with myself. Til the end, I have only myself. And this is just… not how I want to spend the time allotted.

If this is being responsible, if this is adulting, if this is the sacrifice I have to make… I call it bullshit haha. I think it’s 100 fold irresponsible to not pay attention to what’s important, what’s real – to me. And what the hell is adulting? What does that even mean? It’s just an excuse to put aside your desires and passions and then be praised for it.

I see and hear so many people talk about their jobs:

“It pays the bills.”

“A job is a job.”

“I can’t complain.”

I don’t know – that just doesn’t fly with me. I don’t know. This life, we have exactly one each. There’s got to be something else. Yes, you can call me a hypocrite but having exactly that kind of job. I’m just not okay if this is how it’s going to be the rest of my life.

By nature, I’m not a very radical person. I’m not the kind of person who creates viral content and turns shit up. I go with the flow, but I realize more and more, I go with my flow. It’s been such a journey and still is – this figuring out, understanding, and embracing my flow. Lol I feel like I’m talking about my period.

Anyway. I just know – this whole 9-5 thing – not feeling it. I think my best boss is myself. I give my 100% to my managers and seniors and the engagements I’m staffed on. I can only imagine what it’d be like to work for me bahahaha. Do I sound conceited or what?!!? Lolll.

The upcoming year is going to be interesting – I feel it in my bones. Or I’m going to make it interesting. Loll.

If you’ve read this far – thank you. It honestly, truly is going to take a deeper breath and resolve to click Publish on this post for some reason. If you get what I mean, why I feel like this, you’re feeling me. Hahaha.

Happy Tuesday.

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