My greatest accomplishment is to mean what I say and say what I mean. My greatestest accomplishment is to then do what I say and mean.
This, to me, is the epitome of freedom, because let me tell you – life sucks when you can’t figure out what you mean, what you want, who you are. It really does. It’s a paralysis between what you want to say, what you wish you would say and do, and what actually happens. There was a hesitation behind everything I was, said, and did, because I doubted every thought, whether I meant it. I couldn’t move in the direction I wanted to see myself go because I didn’t even know if it was what I wanted. I was a liar to myself, to God, to everyone around me. I was a slave to others’ perceptions, societal “norms”, religious convictions that I discovered weren’t mine.
I could never find peace within – there was no room. I never allowed myself to be me. This appeared to be so simple for others and that didn’t help out either haha. I felt like I had to claw through the haze just to get a glimpse of what others did with ease.
The past several years have been a re-processing, reevaluating, rethinking, rebuilding, recalibrating of everything I wanted to be and who I actually was. I’m still working on myself, but today, it’s not the massive overturning of paradigms and fundamentals beliefs and values. Today, I have peace, I trust myself, I lie to no one.
I’m not afraid anymore – of being found out of being the impostor I was, of being judged for not having integrity in my person. I live freely and fully and purposely. I answer to no one – except myself, to the woman God made me to be.
Little did I know that I carried within the highest standard for myself, that I would be my greatest yardstick of excellence, that I am the pinnacle of everything I want to be. I sound like I’m full of myself. That’s okay. After all these years of denying the good and powerful within, I’m done with it. I have walked the path of shame and fear for long enough, for deep enough.
I believe that the ability to live from one heart, one mind, one spirit is the most powerful way of life. There is no stopping a person who believes, who says what she believes, believes what she’s about and expresses to others, and who then lives accordingly. There is no undermining her.
She is one who exists on her terms. She is one who laughs in the face of fear, not because she doesn’t feel it, but because she has and she knows the powerlessness of it against her heart and resolution. She is one who understands the depth of life, the sweetness of its fleeting moments, the excitement of the adventure ahead, the path she forges, whether alone or with others. She is one who cares not for the words of others, unless intended to build her and propel her in the direction of her purpose.
This sounds intense haha. The simplicity of it actually being lived out that is irresistible to me. It just makes sense. It all comes together and becomes a driving force for everything, for life. I’m happy to be here. I’m grateful beyond the ability to express it and I claim it with resolve.
You know what’s really cool, though? I believe this is how everyone wants to live. Everyone is looking for their own truth, for their way, their freedom. Everyone is on a journey to discover the heart that produces intention, the voice to proclaim it, and the volition to bring it to fruition. This integrity that ties together every part of a person is meant for everybody. It’s a good thing to have, a necessary thing to live simply and freely and honestly.
For those who are seeking, the process is progress and progress is perfection. The evolution of who we are in the length of this lifetime is inevitable. The evolution of who we are as we move in the direction we were destined is perfection.
That is enough musing for one entry haha. Thanks for reading the verbal diarrhea of this human being.