I used to sit on my ass and ask God, the universe, whoever would listen to show me the way. I thought I was entitled to some sort of direction and guidance if I had faith, if I just believed some sort of unique destiny, a plan bigger than me.
I got so good at it though — until things started not feeling right. One can only sit on one’s ass for so much time. Flesh turns numb, deadweight, bored, dull. Mind goes soft and anxious at the same time.
This all sounds so naive and millennial — welcome to my life lol. I waited and waited like a pro. Don’t get me wrong, I was and am working full-time and making a salary but I want something more than bi-weekly direct deposits and health benefits. And it was for the purpose of finding the ultimate source of fulfillment that I asked for direction.
Then one day, in a conversation with God/universe, I asked again, Where should I go? What should I do with this life? And I felt a sense of mirth, like God was laughing at me. Not maliciously, just laughing. Like he’d run out of answers to the same question I’d been asking for the past couple years.
I then imagined in my head a scenario that went like this:
I’m sitting on my couch at home, and I’m looking at the ceiling, asking what I should do for the day. Pretty much a physical representation of what my mind had been doing the past couple years. I was dressed to go out, my usual uniform of jeans and t-shirt. I had a set of keys on the coffee table in front of me, which had the key to my car which was parked not more than 100 steps away from my location on the couch. Next to the keys was my iPhone with Google Maps. I had my purse next to me and in it were my wallet, debit card, and driver’s license.
Then it hit me. I’m an idiot. I had everything with me. I had everything I could possibly need to go somewhere, to obliterate the boredom, emptiness, anxiety of expecting, expecting, expecting something to happen, for my “destiny” to unfold — like magic. And if I didn’t have something, I had everything I needed to go get it. Instead I had sat there like a newborn infant waiting to be spoon-fed.
No, worse. I was a cop-out. I refused the responsibility of making a decision and going and doing. Instead, I sat there in the name of faith and destiny and thought I was going to get a divine mandate with directions explicitly listed complete with disclaimers and tips.
That realization was all I needed. I was done. I understood what was necessary for me to just start. It wasn’t certainty, it wasn’t a guarantee, a roadmap, timeline, nothing. All that was necessary for me to move, was to move. Hahaha I know I know, this girl must be some kind of underdeveloped to be realizing this now haha.
But if that was the case, that I had everything necessary, then the only thing stopping me was… me. Lol. This realization came about six months ago, possibly less, but definitely no more. Six months is a short time and a long time.
Six months is a long time when I think about how far I’ve come, the questions I’ve asked myself, the answers I dug out, the story I developed, the reevaluation of what’s important to me, what I want, what I’m good at, what I definitely don’t want to do end up doing… where does it end? Six months is a long time when I think about how much more resourceful I’ve become, how much more open I am to trying new things, investing in myself, my knowledge base, my relationships, becoming more aware of my thoughts, desires, hopes, interests, reaching out to people I don’t know, disciplining myself, to be able to actually execute time management, identify priorities…
Six months is a short time when I think about how much more I want to do, how much more there is to do. It’s a short time considering it’s 1.9% of my life so far, considering how much “catching up” I have to do, how much I don’t know…
When I look at it both ways, I’m kind of… proud of myself hahaha. I consider myself a late bloomer in certain ways but I’m beginning to drop the idea of a standard outside of me. Yes, it took me this long to get shit together, but once the realization came, there was no hesitation and it’s been a constant movement forward and up. I guess, ultimately, I answered the question of the direction I should be going: forward and upward. Whatever that means to me, wherever I feel my forward and upward is taking me.
One can only sit on one’s ass for so long. It’s human nature, human spirit to strive for more, for our sense of perfection. I don’t have the certainty I’ve always expected and wanted but I feel alive and I’m more than happy to continue not knowing. The sense that I’m discovering my way day by day, action by action, blog post by blog post, checked-off-to-do item by checked-off-to-do item is satisfying in itself.
It’s good to be here, miles away from that couch.