I am the healthiest I’ve ever been. Healthier than when I was 110 pounds of lean muscle and 4% body fat. Healthier than when I could run 6.5 minute mile and a 61 second quarter mile (those times aren’t that fast but I’m a short Asian girl, so just let me have it haha). Healthier than when I was able to eat choco tacos and hot cheetos after track practice every day and not gain a pound.
I’ve come to realize healthiness is a state of mind. It begins with an awareness within and culminates with the manifestation of that awareness in our choices and actions. I didn’t have that back then.
I was plagued with depression, anxiety, fear, sense of worthlessness… the list goes on. I was unable to manage my friendships and constantly lived in and from a state of scarcity. I felt I didn’t have enough (i.e. if only I had _______, I’d be _______) and when I did get something I wanted, it was like feeling sand slip through my fingers. Happiness was elusive, and consequentially, so was healthiness.
I struggled with body image issues — it was one thing I could control, to an extent, one thing that I could actually see and assess. I couldn’t necessarily see my state of mind and do something about it. I could only feel it. So even if I had starved myself down to the weight I wanted and looked “good”, I was singularly unhappy and undeniably unhealthy.
I’m healthier now. Or just healthy. Haha. I think health is fundamentally balance. When exercise, sleep, ideologies, thought habits, etc. are balanced, health is inevitable. If I believe I am worthy of good food, a good sleeping schedule (okay, still working on this one), good relationships, good thoughts, wouldn’t I pursue those things? Wouldn’t I make those things, and ultimately myself a priority? Wouldn’t I choose myself?
It reminds me of one of my favorite authors/podcasters/thought pioneers (not sure if that’s a term lol), James Altucher. He coined this term, Choose yourself. Basically, if we want to live the lives we want, be the people we want to become, we need to daily practice the art of choosing ourselves. It’s daily because nothing beats consistency when it comes to transformation, not just change. It’s an art because we’re raised in a society that tells us who we are and what we need and it takes a certain level of purpose and and grit and faith to cultivate that ability. Navigating the ideas, ideologies, and artificial desires that don’t feed our souls and pursuing what’s individually true and Good to us is an inherent goal to every human being. Those who give up live defeated, lost, cynical, and ultimately, lonely.
I feel like today, I’m able to choose myself unapologetically* and boldly. I’ve built up a love for myself that chooses good food, relationships, environments, experiences, etc. and has nothing to do with guilt, beating myself into submission, fighting against my desires, ignoring (or attempting to ignore) temptations. It’s just a balance. There’s no one way or formula — it just is. It’s an art.
I’m glad to be here. I don’t look like I did in high school, I can’t push myself the way I did before. And that’s okay. I wouldn’t give up anything to be there now. I would give up everything to be here now.
Happy Christmas’ Eve’s Eve. Hahah. Happy Friday, yo.
*Did you know this isn’t a word? Doesn’t it totally seem like it should be?!