Eating my carelessness and Randomness

On Monday, I broke about a dozen eggs.

My mom had busted out a fresh 18-pack of eggs, took out 2 for breakfast, and left the carton on the counter. I, in an effort to be helpful, began to close the carton but, in another effort to be helpful, noticed the refrigerator door was swinging all the way open and jerked out an arm to hold it.

Somehow the movement of my arm jerking out to catch the door jerked my other arm… and the entire carton of 16 beautiful in-tact unborn chicks fell to the ground gracelessly in one resounding crack. I let out an expletive and for a moment stood still. My mom, being the ever Asian female, without missing a beat, ordered me to pick up the carton – carefully! – and salvage the unbroken eggs from the ones not so fortunate.

Without saying a word, she busted out green onions (or scallions, I think they’re called) and began preparing them to make an egg dish that would put the bowl of egg white and yolk to use.

I picked out as much of the egg shells as I could with my fingers before passing the bowl to her, and then watched her pick them out with chopsticks in the frying pan. She whipped it up in 5 minutes and voila – I had lunch for the next 3 days.

Lunch for the next 3 days involved me crunching through egg shell bits loll. I swear, I think I consumed half an egg shell in total. Okay, exaggeration. But damn. And I could do nothing but shake my head and laugh. Because I was eating the crunchiness of my carelessness.

——

That is all hahah! I just wanted to tell this story of my clumsiness and how I didn’t even bother to pick out the egg shells while eating because Why? Lolll!

This week has been busy. I wanted to say brutal but thought maybe I’m exaggerating. But then, that’s what I do haha! So let’s try this again, this week has been brutal. Usually I go into the office before the sun peeks through and leave after it peaces out.

More and more I entertain the thought of quitting the 9-5 life. I would like to know what it’s like to be my own boss, to answer to no one. I want to know what it’s like to do something because I require it. I wonder if that would actually kill my motivation because I have no one coming after me for deliverables. Or I wonder if that would skyrocket my motivation because I have no one coming after me for anything.

I don’t know. But I know what it’s like to be in an industry I don’t belong in hahah. I know what it’s like to watch the hours, days, weeks, months pass by with no real progress in the things I find important – writing, networking, growing as a person. I know what it’s like to ask myself if it’s worth it, that twice-monthly direct deposit, that so-called security.

I’m inspired by people who talk like this:

Interviewer: You have this great job, and then you left it.

Jim Koch: Yes, and I left it because staying there was very risky. Leaving it was not risky… And in my situation, staying at BCG [Boston Consulting Group] was dangerous but not scary and the danger there, the risk of it was continuing to do something that didn’t make me happy and getting to, you know, sixty-five and looking back and go oh my god, I wasted my life. That is risk. That is danger.

Are you not? I’m moved by game-changers and mountain-movers. I’m excited by people driving life, rather than falling behind in its wake. I don’t know. Is there something wrong with me? A part of me is terrified of making a move of my own. I feel behind, not good enough, juvenile.

But then, there’s a part of me asking, What if?

And, Why not?

I have no idea what it would look like. Or, I have an idea but I wonder if I can pull through.

But then, that’s what the challenge is, no? To see if I have it in me, to test if what I believe in me is real. If I really am not afraid of hard work, of failing and getting up again, of investing in myself the way no one else would in me.

I don’t know. But more more, I feel like I’m getting closer to wanting to see what the jump would feel like, what’s over that ledge of everything I’ve ever known. It’s becoming more and more painful and stifling to stand on what I know. The unknown beckons. It doesn’t have to yell or demand or pull or push. It just chills there while I run through all my excuses and reasons why No. It picks at its lint and examines its nails boredly (not a real word lol) while watching me go through the cycle of pulling out my hair, shaking a fist at the sky, and falling into some sort of helpless dejection. Okay I’m exaggerating again lol. Maybe not.

Wherever I am, whatever I do, wherever I go, it’s going to be good. I can believe that. Even if I stay. But I know that just won’t hold me anymore.

I leave with this:

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

  • The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo

Happy Thursday!

 

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