Something new

pencil-shavings

I decided to take a copywriting course. It’s a paid course. It has homework assignments and a discussion forum — the whole shebang.

This is a step in a direction of non-9-to-5-ness. Hahaha. Did you even understand that?

Anyway. I started with much vigor, excitement, and expectation. I just finished an assignment. And I’m about to do some reading.

But as I reached the end of my assignment, I started thinking about other things. Like what’s the point of this? Is this getting me in the direction I want to be going? What if I don’t make it? Should I be focusing on the other thing I’m more passionate about? Will this take away from my personal writing? Am I trying this out because I’m afraid my real passion will never pan out? Am I using this as a crutch? And on and on and on and on it goes…

Why is that? Why is it that when I set my mind to do something, there’s a moment when it actually seems like my mind had never been made up in the first place? Why do these thoughts come after I made the damn decision? After I’ve written 8 pages for homework by hand?

I counter my doubts with a reminder to stick with the original decision, that finishing something I started is more valuable than figuring everything out, that I need to trust my initial conviction, that I should at least give it a try, that I’ll never know if I don’t.

It’s a war-zone in there, my mind. I feel like it’s always been. I think something I’m learning is to not just believe but to believe when it doesn’t make sense. To believe and to be. I have too many experiences where I change my mind or let go of a conviction for another that better suits my fleeting interests and preference. And I don’t know if that flies anymore.

I’m hungry for consistency, for execution, for results, and the discipline and perseverance that drives it. There’s something about a groundedness of a slow and steady pursuit of something in the face of doubt and waning intrigue that draws me today. If I don’t choose now to face my vice, to own it, then I will never master it. It will master me until the day I do.

That is my current conviction. I don’t know if this is mistake, but even as I type that out, I know nothing is a mistake. There is a reason I was brought to this place, where I’ve doled out my hard-earned money, came to a cafe to work after work, and even bought a notebook to get this done. And it’s just the second day lol. There’s something that brought me to this place. I need to listen to it. I need to remember it. I have the opportunity and privilege to choose.

So I do. I’m going to finish the damn thing. Just because I started, because at one point I decided this would be a good idea. And yes, things change and reasons evolve. But I really do think this season requires something different from me, something that requires some gritting of the teeth, sleepless nights (or just less sleep, no need to get all dramatic lol), cramped hands, readings, and homework assignments.

You made up your mind, Grace. Do it in respect for just that. Don’t suck. Because this is not something impossible. Even though you keep telling yourself that and wanting to believe it. It’s simply not true. So suck it up and live to tell the story.

4 thoughts on “Something new”

  1. Haha, oh Grace. You kindred philosopher. I had the same concerns about copywriting and whether it was just socially-acceptable and more stable cop-out to following my real dream. I also had the same thoughts about the business intelligence, Peace Corps, firefighting, and starting my own business (both IT and fitness). I’ve always given in early and now I feel as though I’ve sampled widely without ever building a mastery in anything and, I too, have developed a hunger to “finish [a] damn thing”.

    But, I’ve decided that there is no right answer. You finish a thing. Fine. You don’t finish. Fine. Any direction is the right direction because there is no finish line. In my own life, I have noticed that several core desires have managed to repeat themselves in each of my various paths. The desire to travel a home and abroad, speak other languages, and learn about the world. The desire to write fiction and philosophy. The desire to be fit, active, meditate, and go on adventures. The desire not to sit in an office or in front of a computer all day. The desire not to wake up before the sun or wear a tie (man noose). I know some of these are obvious, but they aren’t as obvious when we consider all of the other attributes associated with each. Status, money, success, relationships, and time all come at varying likelihoods with each opportunity. But, as I’ve tried different ways of pursuing those core desires (sometimes unwittingly) I’ve learned more about myself and about opportunities that hadn’t previously existed.

    Keep fine tuning based on what you have now and keep being kind with yourself even if you feel like you’re not always running the perfect race — as much as we like to make it into one. I’m not worried about you no matter what you decide. I think you are already doing a great job of fine tuning and giving yourself leeway to zigzag. Now just to follow that advice myself…

  2. So I started on the application for my psych tech program. I completed everything, turned in all my transcript, about to submit my application, until I realized that the Pre-req Bio class was Bio 160, not Bio 101. Damn, in that moment, I just sat and deleted my application. I cant even apply for this program. Immediately after that I began thinking if this is even for me. I want to make a lot of money. I started researching where I can make aloot of money. And at the end of the day, I found myself being super discourage, emotional and just wanting to give up. I don’t know where my real passion is. If I had what you have about writing, MAN I would be overjoyed!!! keep it up grace!

    1. Damn girl, that’s a journey in itself. I texted you just now about the pre-req.

      We’re going to end up talking about it in person but just wanted to say, if you take a look around yourself, you might have already been incorporating your passions in your life. I say it’s all in the little things.

      Thanks for sharing Stef. Super looking forward to our dinner next week!! 🙂

Your turn

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s