I decided to take a copywriting course. It’s a paid course. It has homework assignments and a discussion forum — the whole shebang.
This is a step in a direction of non-9-to-5-ness. Hahaha. Did you even understand that?
Anyway. I started with much vigor, excitement, and expectation. I just finished an assignment. And I’m about to do some reading.
But as I reached the end of my assignment, I started thinking about other things. Like what’s the point of this? Is this getting me in the direction I want to be going? What if I don’t make it? Should I be focusing on the other thing I’m more passionate about? Will this take away from my personal writing? Am I trying this out because I’m afraid my real passion will never pan out? Am I using this as a crutch? And on and on and on and on it goes…
Why is that? Why is it that when I set my mind to do something, there’s a moment when it actually seems like my mind had never been made up in the first place? Why do these thoughts come after I made the damn decision? After I’ve written 8 pages for homework by hand?
I counter my doubts with a reminder to stick with the original decision, that finishing something I started is more valuable than figuring everything out, that I need to trust my initial conviction, that I should at least give it a try, that I’ll never know if I don’t.
It’s a war-zone in there, my mind. I feel like it’s always been. I think something I’m learning is to not just believe but to believe when it doesn’t make sense. To believe and to be. I have too many experiences where I change my mind or let go of a conviction for another that better suits my fleeting interests and preference. And I don’t know if that flies anymore.
I’m hungry for consistency, for execution, for results, and the discipline and perseverance that drives it. There’s something about a groundedness of a slow and steady pursuit of something in the face of doubt and waning intrigue that draws me today. If I don’t choose now to face my vice, to own it, then I will never master it. It will master me until the day I do.
That is my current conviction. I don’t know if this is mistake, but even as I type that out, I know nothing is a mistake. There is a reason I was brought to this place, where I’ve doled out my hard-earned money, came to a cafe to work after work, and even bought a notebook to get this done. And it’s just the second day lol. There’s something that brought me to this place. I need to listen to it. I need to remember it. I have the opportunity and privilege to choose.
So I do. I’m going to finish the damn thing. Just because I started, because at one point I decided this would be a good idea. And yes, things change and reasons evolve. But I really do think this season requires something different from me, something that requires some gritting of the teeth, sleepless nights (or just less sleep, no need to get all dramatic lol), cramped hands, readings, and homework assignments.
You made up your mind, Grace. Do it in respect for just that. Don’t suck. Because this is not something impossible. Even though you keep telling yourself that and wanting to believe it. It’s simply not true. So suck it up and live to tell the story.