I quit my job last week.
Well technically, I quit months ago when I decided I couldn’t stay the 3-5 years I had originally intended. I quit when I realized I was so unhappy I felt I would rather not have income than feel unfulfilled and anxious. I quit when I realized time is priceless and cannot even be compared to money.
I quit when I realized I had something within that was dying to get out, something I couldn’t deny, something I went to bed thinking about and woke dreaming about.
To be honest, this something isn’t altogether clear just yet. I left with debt, financial obligations to my family, and a not-too-clear income channel. At this time, nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. Sorry for the vagueness. It comes with the territory of walking into the unknown.
There were times during the past year that I was very unhappy. I was working from sunrise to after sunset, trying to make sense of client documents, trying to understand what I was supposed to do, trying to fix previous year documents, trying to not be a pain in our client’s ass asking questions about their processes, trying not to suck, trying not to do what I’m not supposed to do, which of course, no one tells you. And most of all, trying not to flip a table from work that makes me grit my teeth and makes me feel like a robot. Just a lot of trying and feeling like I sucked and like I didn’t matter. I know, this sounds super millennial and honestly, it is. Because I’m a millennial. Bahaha.
So at one point, I faced the truth that I couldn’t be there for the 3-5 years. I had reached a point where it didn’t matter if that was a cop out or if I was a big fat pansy. I knew in the end, this wasn’t what I wanted to do in the end anyway. From the beginning, when I was recruiting for the internship, I knew I was doing it because I wanted to feel secure with a job after graduating. Now that I knew what it meant to give up my time and energy for a bi-weekly paycheck, I couldn’t do it anymore.
I was and am 100% okay being called a pansy.
Since I knew this wasn’t the line of work for me, the next step was to determine what was. After much searching, sifting, and surrendering, I realized there were two things that I valued the most. These two things, when I engaged with them, gave me the most fulfillment, faith, hope, empowerment, and aliveness. The two things: Writing and People.
I couldn’t deny that by the time I was on my journey to leave my job, I so desperately wanted to keep up with my blog again. Every week, it was on my mind – this relentless push to write, write, just write. It didn’t have to be anything big, profound, or popular. I just needed to write. It was and is important to me – for some reason. I couldn’t honestly figure out why, but I knew it was by the way my heart and soul yearned to string its existence with words and reveled in the satisfaction of publishing a blog post or scribbling a journal entry. My whole being felt complete that day when I did. Even if I was having a bad day at work, even if I felt like a shitty human being, even if anything, if I knew I had paid attention to the voice within, my day was complete. Truly.
The People aspect was a little less straightforward. Writing, you just do and there’s a result of the doing – words. What did it mean that People were important to me? Did it mean I like hanging out with people, meeting new people, connecting with people, understanding people…?
I realized, all of the above, and then some. I realized how much I love engaging People and drawing out, or rather, pointing out their strengths, their abundance in life. I realized how fulfilled it felt when I connected with people and was able to provide a new perspective that allowed them to approach life and goodness and hardships in a different way. I realized how in sync I felt when I was able to help someone connect the dots and come into a deeper understanding and appreciation for self.
In those moments of connection, everything made sense. In those moments of writing, everything made sense.
And they were the only two things that made sense in the midst of the confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, worry, desperation I felt at work. In that place, whether typing or writing or engaging, I could be my full self.
So, that is why, after one year of working at a public accounting firm, with no promotion in title or certifications from associated organizations, I left. I say it not bravely or proudly, but humbly, fearfully, and respectfully. I’m not a special person. I’m just me. Just like you, I seek Truth and desire to see it be real in my life.
I think there would have been ways to make it work, to straddle the 9-5 (which is not really a 9-5 lol) and pursue my own art and creative contribution. Perhaps I’ll look back and see that I could have done it another way, a better way. But at the same time, I trust the decision I made, with the knowledge and vision I have.
It is scary as hell not knowing where a lot of things will land – income, mostly – but I can definitely say that I have not looked back and thought I made a mistake or that I want what I had. A part of my decision is affirmed in the way I look forward and prepare to head down the path, or what’s visible to me at this point, full steam. Perhaps I’m foolish. That’s not so bad, compared to being fearful and paralyzed by everything I was fed and taught to believe.
I’m hungry for something more, and I feel, I know there’s something waiting to happen. It will not be an easy road, an easy next couple of months, but I’m hungry. I want everything intended for me. No, I will not be sitting on my ass waiting for something to happen. It’s been a while since I thought that God does everything for me or believed in a lucky break. I expect nothing less than blood, sweat, and tears, in the least glamorous way lol.
I want to do my best and see what Truth there is in it, my conviction, talent, and hunger.