My dad’s been telling me to be soft… and feminine… and basically uncomfortable. LOL.
Because right now, I do not feel soft and feminine, or even want to exude anything like that, especially toward him. UGH.
I want to punch him. Because my hardness and low-balling tactics are partly because of him, know what I mean? I don’t know how else to talk to him. Other than to give him exactly what he gives me. Or what I think he’s trying to give me.
Unfortunately, I like to reflect. And admit that I’m wrong when I am. And that makes me realize… we will get nowhere butting heads. I should know. I have 27 years experience behind me. Also makes me realize… I’m not better than him, he has a story of his own that he’s living out that I have no idea about and probably never will.
Also, these unfortunate reflections are breaking it down to the point that I know I’ll never reach him until and unless I come at him as a feminine person. Not feminine as in the weaker one, which is what I believed about femininity all my life. But feminine in a way I never really imagined. And almost don’t want to. Because I don’t want to give in to my dad. I don’t want to change my approach so we can actually connect. He’s not going to, right? So, why me?
And that – is exactly how we’re going to get nowhere. LOL. I will die a bitter old lady, forever crusading as the hard-assed rebel fighting for an undying cause, albeit only known and felt by her. That’s super lame. Lamer than giving in. Because only people who have something to prove fight that hard for something.
I’m not that person. I choose to be the person who has nothing to prove, nothing to defend. I decided a long time ago that I am my standard. That I answer to no one in terms of my person, integrity, character, desires, intentions, journey. So then, it’s right to make it right. There’s nothing more than that, I think.
I just wanted to rant a little. For anyone reading, thanks.