What I don’t know

Today, I did the unthinkable.

I wasted time.

In actuality, it wasn’t a waste of time.

I stayed in bed about 15 minutes longer. Went to the gym later than I’d planned. Put in my bike workout. Went home, showered, headed out to pick up a new bike for the tri. Helped someone run an errand. Went to the riverbed and tested out the bike (yeyay). Then came to a cafe to get some stuff done.

I say I wasted time because I hadn’t planned anything out. I wasn’t at a cafe all day trying to figure things out. I wasn’t thinking thinking thinking and trying to do do do. I just did — whatever came to mind, whatever floated my boat, I did.

To me, I had thought that anything that wasn’t intentional and planned and directed was not going to be productive.

Today, I threw that out the window. Actually, I threw out the idea that I know anything out the window. The anthem for today was,

I don’t know.

And rather than feel lost and confused, I felt peace. Peace that I didn’t know everything (what a thought!) and that was okay. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I’m just doing my best, doing my thing, figuring shit out along the way.

There has not been one moment when I looked back and wished I had the financial security of a semi-monthly direct deposit. I’m feeling the money strain a little more — the need to figure out an income had been stressful. But at the same time, I know things are going to work out.

I know I’m not lazing around bullshitting myself that everything’s going to work out when I’m not putting in my effort and myself out there. I just know, everything comes together. And it won’t fully come all together with my thoughts dragging in the mud, with my heart wrought in fear and worry.

I just don’t know. It’s probably one of the scariest things to say. Because it means I have no platform, I have no place to stand on, from which I can say I know at least this. It means what worked yesterday doesn’t stand today, what made sense last week doesn’t fly today.

That confession is also one of the most liberating things I’ve heard my heart utter. It’s a declaration that I’m open, open to the universe, to people, to opportunities, encounters. That I’m not afraid of the unknown. That I’m part of something bigger.

Today felt so good. So right.

Driving to and from my destinations today, with the music bumping, all four windows down, I acknowledged I knew nothing, not about what I’m supposed to do, where I’m supposed to go. And then I let go.

It felt just right. This much I know.

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