What’s been up… and some rambling

This is an update on the coaching invitation I put out on Facebook on 3/17, about 3 weeks ago. I put together that invitation in one go, not thinking too hard about what could or might not happen. Still, hitting Post caused a spike in my heart rate.

It didn’t garner a billion likes, reactions, and comments. Or a million, or a thousand, or a hundred. Just a handful. A plentiful handful.

A good number of people reached out asking about this. I sent out a questionnaire I had used with my own coach (edited with a couple of my own questions) and then started setting up times with these human beings to get this going.

Going into these meetings/sessions, I really had no expectations. All I knew – I wanted to serve. And if this was going to  go anywhere, which I wanted and want badly, I needed to serve. That was my only objective.

Obviously, being unemployed doesn’t really help the whole pro bono situation and vice versa. That required a bit of trusting and faith. That I may not see the finances and that’s okay. I’ve come this far by trusting in something unseen, something I could describe by experience, not by material means. And if I really wanted to make it worth it, I needed to keep operating from that place.

Honestly, it’s scary as shit. The idea that I can succeed beyond my truest desires, beyond anything I’d ever dreamed I was capable of. That blows me away.

And the idea of failing – well, I had accepted and embraced that a while back. I think that was the only way I could truly jump – not tiptoe – into what I’m doing right now. I don’t think I could truly do what I did, quitting my job, posting that invitation, and going through with everything with the freedom I felt if I was still clinging onto the fear and anxiety. I learned failing is okay. Failing is really only failing when I don’t get up. And if I get up every time… have I failed at any point? I’m not sure anyone can say that I did. And anyway, does it matter what anyone else says?

So back to this thing. I honestly am doing this thing from the depth of my heart. I have no freaking clue where this will take me, where I’ll take it. I just know it’s an adventure. It’s not rational, not perfect, not easy. And I have no intent for it to be. I know what it feels like to have it easy, to not think, to not have to try, to not have to leap into the abyss, relinquishing all control of my fears, mental constructs, and self-image. I know what it feels like to just exist, a breathing shell of muscle and blood. I know the emptiness of living artificially.

I just don’t want that anymore. This whole thing is my fight for truth, for desire, for life, for breath, for myself. I’m fighting to live. I’ve lost sight of the things I thought mattered – salary, security, predictability, safety. I’m definitely not trying to sound like a heroine in any sense. I admire those who are able to do what I ditched in a heartbeat. That takes resilience, determination, and inner strength. I just choose to exercise mine in a different way, one that makes sense to me.

I think the world is a big place, big enough for a girl my size to spread her wings and heart and give it all she has. That’s all I am, in a way. Just a girl. A fellow human being. Truly nothing spectacular. Yet – I believe in all I am, that I can desire something greater than myself, pursue it, and surrender to the adventure of a lifetime – whatever that looks like. And I’m simply doing everything in my power to live in integrity. That if I truly believe I can be part of something good, that I have something worth contributing to the world, then it would take the most deceptive and lying heart to deprive myself of that.

Perhaps I’m talking out of my ass. That I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I admit this. That I’m not taking care of the practical things. I admit this too. That I’m not capable. I refuse to believe this. Because the unknown territory ahead is out of my control. But within, I choose to believe, lies something good and true. Something worth being true to.

I think choosing to believe this is scarier than heading into unfamiliar land. In fact, that’s probably the darkest place we could turn to and so we refuse to even acknowledge it exists. It’s the place of vulnerability, insecurity, pain, wounds, brokenness. But we have to. We have to, in order to uncover the strength, courage, purpose, destiny, desire, love, faith, hope, power, light underneath. It’s a choice we make, to venture here.

It’s a fight for life. It’s a fight for truth. For everything we so desperately want to believe about ourselves. For everything we already are – yet to be accepted and embraced and permitted to be.

So anyway.

This is my update. Because I need to keep up with my writing. And I thought some people might be curious. Not a billion. Or a million, or a thousand, or even a hundred. Just a handful, if that. A plentiful handful.

I’m just lucky to be alive. Fortunate to have this breath. Fortunate to recognize what I have, what it’s worth. I’m talking the simple fact that I have a roof over my head, a bed to rest in, a family to banter, laugh with, go crazy with. The fact that I have all limbs, my health, an athletic inclination. I have all this – and then some. Let’s see what the and-then-some is made of.

Not sure if this post made sense hahah. For those that read up to this point, I am truly deeply humbled and grateful. Perhaps I’m being too dramatic. But let me tell you, I don’t read many articles and blog posts to the end myself haha. Just truth. I don’t even know if I would read my own posts lol.

Thanks for reading.

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