Before I left my job, I worked at building good habits. Like spending time every morning to read and write. And taking my vitamins. Meditating. Being active. After I left, I started some other habits like writing affirmations, things I’m grateful for, what I’m looking forward to, etc.
But there comes a moment when my routines stop serving me and I start serving them. And that was today. I felt… burdened, and worse, bored by the thought of busting out my journal and planner to write these things in. Maybe I’m undoing all my hard work. Maybe I’m negating everything I’ve been working toward.
And maybe not. Because I really hate the idea of doing something for the sake of doing it. I really do. I know I’ll still get to those activities, probably after I write this, but not before, the way I normally would, the way the whole productivity-enhancement world says we should be holding onto habits and routines before we start our days.
In the end, you do what you want, the way you want, the way you need. Maybe I’m the weird one? The one that doesn’t like to adhere to strict rules, even if it’s proven by really productive people? Maybe I’m just destined to never get big or successful? Maybe I’m just me. Maybe I just like doing things my way. Because I’m stubborn as hell. And opinionated.
I feel like when we reach the point in which we are laboring to adhere to something, we are owned by it. Because there’s only so many minutes and seconds and days we have allotted to us. Why would we spend any of it not fully in charge of it? Because if we were truly in charge of our lives, we wouldn’t do something we really gain nothing from. Yeah, I said it. I think sometimes we run after things that we value that actually don’t matter in truth and time.
Sure, you can say it will be worth it in the long run, that we can look back and remember that we kept pushing forward when it was tough. That’s great. I’m sure you can take that piece of information with you after you die. Lol. Maybe I’m being harsh.
Maybe I’m bitter in a way. Bitter because I feel like all our lives, we live by another’s code. And we don’t have to. We’re told how to dress, what to say, how to act, who we are. And we labor after it. We’re taught how to “think”, what to pursue, what to value. We’re taught how to live. And it doesn’t always feel like living. That sucks.
I actually didn’t know I was going to write about this. I just wanted to talk about how I had decided to screw my routine and be okay with a little chaos and freedom. Yeah, I feel like it’s just an exercise of freedom and humanity. Just to know I’m doing me and I have choices and it never has to be a certain way. I think the day I lose that sense of prerogative and ownership of myself is the day I lose myself. Because I live this life, not my habits, goals, dreams, desires. I do.
And the thing is, it’s not that I’m forsaking my routines and habits. No, I worked hard for them. I’m going to finish my normal morning routine after I post this thing. I really do value what I have going on – just not over my sense of freedom and choice. Know what I mean? I think the choices I made in the past shouldn’t govern everything. I should still be making choices every day to commit to it.
Like when you’re dating, you’re in love every day because it feels like you get to choose – you’re not 100% committed and it would simply take a break up if you were unhappy. But when you’re married, you feel like you don’t have the same choice, or rather, you do, in the form of divorce, but it costs more. So every day, you feel like you don’t have a choice, and I think that’s one of the main reasons why married people are unhappy. Just a huge tangent.
Also totally unrelated –
I think I’m starting a 100 day writing challenge. My goal is to write 500 words a day 100 days straight. The 500 word part, I made up so I have a goal each day. And none of this oh-when-I-feel-like-it blog posting. Because I like to write. And I think I may even be good at it and possibly have a chance of getting better. And if this is something I want to do in my life, something I want to get better at, then it’s going to take some work. Because I want to be writing things that deserve people’s attention and thoughts and it wouldn’t make sense to expect that from people when my writing could be better. Just saying.
I know it’s going to be a challenge – hence the name lol. I anticipate some days where I will feel crappy and not want to write. But it’s now or never, all or nothing. Haha!! So dramatic! And who knows, maybe I’ll come away from the 100 days and realize my writing got crappier. Or that I actually hate writing. Lol. A journey of self-discovery. I swear that shit never ends.
Anyway, thanks for reading. And Happy Friday.
P.S. For anyone interested, First Heartbreak part 2 will be coming out soon. I just need to get my courage together for that one.